I finally got to that point in my life where it is just too much. I thought everything was going to start becoming good and finally make me happy. My recent boyfriend has been awesome lately but I feel like I am just ruining everything with the problems in my life and the problems I am starting with him. I keep telling him that he deserves better because I know he does. He doesn’t want to believe it. He keeps saying he loves me and that he wants me and doesn’t care what happens cause at the end of the day he loves me. Which I know is sweet but at the same time I just feel like worse shit cause I know even more now that I really don’t deserve him if he is saying those things when I know I am the worse girlfriend ever. I just want me and him to be okay and be doing good but then I always start a fight or bring up an issue. There isn’t a time that we are just happy for a day…which is shitty because I love him and I just want us to be okay and be how we were when we first started dating. I warned him of this…. I knew I would become this way because I always do. This side of me always ruins the relationship that I am in. I can never change and that just irritates me because I hate being the way I am today. I want to think differently, act differently, just be a completely different person than I actually am. Writing helps me get everything out but he gets so mad when I don’t talk to him about what is wrong. I just shut down and won’t talk to him at all. I don’t know why I am this way or why I even have a hard time talking to him about how I am or my past. I guess I am just worried about what he will think of me when he finds out the true me. The real person I am inside and out. I am not saying I am this horrible person just that I have these dark thoughts or other things about me buried way down deep that no body ever finds out. But yet to him if I would tell him he probably wouldn’t want me anymore. I know he would leave me and defiantly find better sooner or later because I know I am not worth it. I know that the person I could be would be amazing but for some reason I can’t let that person out because this dark side comes over me and takes over making me into this monster inside tearing me apart slowly. I just need for everything to get better in my life and for my relationship. I feel like I am ruining it slowly but he keeps denying it. But I know sooner or later it will be gone and I am not looking forward to that time.