January 4, 2016 – Holiday Happenings
My goal for the New Year is to write down my thoughts and feelings. I don’t have the best memory and so many wonderful things have been happening in my life, I don’t want to forget them. This journal will allow me to learn from my mistakes and relive the good times.
This holiday season started out rough and sad with Christmas but turned into one that I won’t ever forget! It was wonderful. Our tribe wanted to get together for New Years and we decided to have a party at my house. The party was wonderful, I tried “special brownies” for the first time and had two drinks. Let’s just say I was feeling happy. I don’t think that I have ever laughed so much in my life. For the first time in a long time I was able to be completely free, I had no worries and knew Sean was looking out for me. At one point while playing a game, I wanted to “take it up a notch” and although I begged him to allow it, he knew that I would have regrets in the morning. I am so proud of him vetoing my suggestion. I knew that he would have my best interests at heart, he always does.
There was only one hiccup in the night but again, Sean again prevailed and the outcome was good. Amanda, Sean and I slept on an air mattress after the party wound down. Amanda could not sleep with Daryl and Jenn so it was right that she slept with us. I know it was the right thing and if the situation happened again, I would choose the same sleeping arrangements. I know that Amanda is as much Sean’s as I am. But even though it was the right thing to do, it didn’t help my feelings.
For some reason I’m having trouble with Amanda sleeping with Sean. I’m starting to think that it may be the intimacy that I am jealous of. I’m okay with them having sex, playing and the physical stuff, at least I can handle it. I know that she makes Sean happy which makes me happy. They have a lot in common and have many shared interests.
But to me sleeping with someone is much more than physically connecting, it’s the pillow talk about little and big things, sharing of confidences, listening to each other’s breathing and learning the little movements that tell you when your loved one is falling asleep. It is the most intimate thing that a couple does. I think I’m jealous of this special bond that she shares with him.
So back to New Years… I didn’t sleep well and I don’t think either of us did. Sean and I needed to go to the restroom a couple of times through the night. I could hear them in the other room when I was in the bathroom and tried covering my ears pretending this was just a bad dream.
In life, there are images that you wish you could erase from memory. I had a couple of them that night. It nearly broke my heart to see Amanda sleep with her head on Seans shoulder. I wish that I didn’t see that.
One of the most special things that happens when Sean and I sleep together is his recognition when I wrap my arm around his belly when he is sleeping. He instantly knows when we reconnect and makes the best little sound. Like he is acknowledging that I am back and he is happy. Now I know that Sean is asleep when I do this so he has no idea of it but I nearly DIED when he made the same sound when Amanda touched him that night. My bubble was popped! Heartbreak! What I thought was so special was now not. It’s no fault of Sean’s, he has no idea of what he is doing. But it was another thing that I wish I never knew. Too much information is not always a good thing, it can tear your insides apart.
My final straw of the night was when Sean was facing me holding my hands (which was really nice!) but was rubbing against Amanda. I couldn’t take any more, I wanted to run. So when I was asked how I was, I said YELLOW. It was all just too much. I wish with all my heart that I was stronger, but I really tried. I should have known better but I did try. The outcome was no one’s fault, no one did anything wrong. It was all me and my stupid feelings. One day I hope to be stronger, I am working on that. At least I’m learning what my triggers are so that I can address them.
I’m so proud of Sean and how he handled my code YELLOW. He didn’t make a big deal of it but got out of bed and we started the morning. The morning got better and better. I hope Amanda doesn’t learn about my freak out, because she did nothing wrong. I hope that Sean doesn’t feel responsible either because he also did nothing wrong. It’s something that I will learn to deal with and will learn to avoid triggery situations.
Unfortunately, my indulgences left me exhausted and I fell asleep at Sean’s side when he was sitting in the chair. He had me go upstairs where he took excellent care of me. I have to brag that even though he was also tired and hung over, Sean made sure the house was in order before coming to bed where we slept like the dead J
More about my wonderful weekend later…