During my teenage years I lived in silence. I was awkward around my house. Like I didn’t belong. I didn’t have a rough childhood nor was I abused. I am a product of divorce. I had a step-father who didn’t really see eye to eye with how different I was. I had a sister, who at the time was people pleaser, who did anything to make him happy. My best bet was to keep my opinion and thoughts to myself, which I did.
I do enjoy the silence of the day, if I am by myself. I enjoy just being. But I can’t stand the awkward silence. The silence because there is tension in the room that can be cut with a knife. I should not be in my own house and feel that kind of tension. I need to man up. Grow a pair and cut my ties. I wonder if that is what I want to do. There are so many ups and downs in our friendship. I know I am not scared of not having him around. If we never talk again it will hurt but I “feel” we both have left the friendship a long time ago. Just don’t have to guts to say it out loud. At the moment he needs me way more than I need him. It isn’t about needed someone it is about enjoying time and understanding one another. I hate to say it but he does understand me more than anyone. It isn’t from lack of trying from others but for some reason they just don’t get it. As I grow older and wiser I understand you don’t have to understand one another to have a friendship. But you must respect one another. I don’t even know where this journal has headed. It started off because even though I am in my house, he has brought that silence because he doesn’t want to hear if I have to say something that is disapproving. Those days are over. What he do in his life doesn’t affect me anymore but how he treats me does. By the year 2016 I will have figured out if you are “worthy” to be my friend. Or am I just holding on to the history. I know I will find when I chip away all the hatred and anger that is filling my heart with the be love I have for you. You had been a great friend. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of what we have or shared. No matter what happens today, tomorrow, or next month it will not erase the history.