April 12, 2015. I called Damon, even though I knew the baby was his I told him I was still unsure. He begged me to come back to him that day. I hurt to hear him cry, I wanted so bad to take the plunge and just go. Go to him and live whatever life we could make, but I didn’t. I loved this man, but I loved my husband more and I honestly picturing my life without my husband killed me inside. I was tired of breaking Damon’s heart, I was tires of hurting myself. I told Damon that he should move on, find someone that he can have a life with, someone that will love him unconditionally.
May 20, 2015. I texted Damon and told him how my appointment went. There wasn’t much to say, just that the baby was looking good. He posted online shortly after that that he was in a relationship. At that moment I realized how selfish I was. It pained me to think that whatever it was that I still had left with Damon wasn’t just between us anymore and that he had actually moved on.
Every so often Damon would call me and ask me how I was doing. I was still working a lot and he would get on to me for the long hours. We would laugh with each other about the littles things we used to do and it made me miss him so much more. I knew what I was doing to myself but I didnt want to stop.
June 5, 2015. This had to have been one of the worst days of my life. The day before I had got a call from another program manager asking me to fill in for an overnight shift. I was tires and was already doing the evening shift and that meant working 16 hours straight if I did. I told her if she couldn’t find anyone else I would. She called back and said she couldn’t. I did the overnight shift and when morning releif came I left immediately. Exhausted, I couldn’t wait any longer to crawl up in my bed. I was almost home when I got a call from the morning shift. They had told me that the client I just left had passed away. I quit my job shortly after this. The stress was over bearing on me and I couldn’t handle it any longer.
June 19,2015. I found out I was having a boy! I called Damon and told him. He was excited about his “possible” first born a boy but he seemed otherwise preoccupied so I let him go.
Months flew by. I would get random messages from him asking how the baby was doing but that was about it.
October 2015. I logged on to Facebook to see a status update from Damon. He had announced he was going to be a daddy and that his baby is due in June. I didn’t know how to feel. How was I supposed to feel? Happy for them? Because I didn’t. I felt robbed. I know I shouldn’t, what did I expect from him? I don’t know. In retrospect I know he was doing everything he could for someone in his position. I guess I’m just selfish. I messaged him a congrats and jokingly hoped it was another boy. He replied and we began talking. I wanted to know what the plan was for when the baby was born. Did he plan on coming to the hospital when he was born? He told me his mom wanted him to get a DNA test. I told him it was fine, but he could only be born one of two colors and if he is born brown then the baby was his. He laughed and agreed. I asked him what he thought about the baby “possibly” being his. His reply about broke me
‘Honestly, I hope the baby is mine. I couldn’t ask for a better mom to my child. I know he would grow up to better then I could ever imagine being and I want to be apart of that.’