The Broken Part of me

I have spent 618 days being a Domestic Abuse Survivor; although, some days I still feel a prisoner to what I endured.  I escaped, relocated and reinvented my life.  I have a friend from back home (the only person that I still have ties too from that life other than my sister.  I have a wonderfully loving daughter and believe it or not even my ex husband her father (not my abuser) and his wife have been very supportive.  The friend from the past whom I have been very close too finally after 7 years admitted that he loves me and wants a life with me.  He says he is willing to relocate because I will never go back there.  He is 13 years older than me and the problem that I have is he does not understand PTSD.  He feels that when I mention the nightmares or put a quote that is dark on social media that I am begging for sympathy or attention.  He does not understand that the part of my brain that trust, questions every detail, questions loyalty and has trouble believing I am worthy is the part of me that is broken.  I love him always have even before I was in the troubling relationships.  At that point in my life I didn’t know what I wanted.  Now I do. The part of my brain that loves and is loyal is still in tact I just don’t know if things will work out with someone that does not understand why I am the way I am.  I try to explain it to him but he just thinks I should be able to put it in the past.  I am seeing a counselor and I am on medication for anxiety.  Since my posting in social media affects him I chose to use this as an outlet.  Am I allowing someone else to control me all over again?  The distant (4 hours away) causing me anxiety since trust is a problem for me.  Things are so great when we are together.  I have had other people ask me out but the fear is just to great.  I live alone with my dog and I would like to have someone special in my life.  Is it to soon for me to be in a relationship even though it seems so long that I have been alone?  I am questioning every thing not just him but every move I make seems confusing right now.  If you read this and would like to comment I read them all.  I realize this may seem like rambling but it is how the words in my head are at the moment. 

4 thoughts on “The Broken Part of me”

  1. hello i am new here i do want you to remember one thing you are trying to move forward not backwards right? I think actually what you need is like a companion right now which it seems is very hard to find these days lol So, i think you should still take your time with this guy because you might be going backwards and falling into the same controlling thing again he needsi to try and understand but he is not he just wants you to put everything in the past well sometimes thats easier said than done i have been in abusive relationships in the past and i am finally at a point where i just don’t wanna be with anyone i wouldn’t have him move down there that is just too much and you have to realize you are in a very vulnerable state right now like you said everything is great when you two are together i don’t think you are ready for another relationship it can take years for you to heal from the trauma is he gonna be able to stand by your side on them really bad days that you have or is he just gonna be noncaring and tell you to just suck it up and move on stop thinking about it. and if he’s not willing to support you then so that means he only wants to be there for you when you are both happy and everything is going great well sorry but thats not how a relationship works i know you probably get lonely i even have my lonely times but i also like my alone time i mean you can just be yourself enjoy being free i think you are still in a healing process i live alone with my 3 cats lol I love sleeping alone not having to share my bed with anyone i do have a body pillow omg i love that thing lol i just think that is kind of wrong for your guy friend to think that you are trying to get attention he might be saying that because he dosen’t want anyone else talking to you look follow your gut feeling you are seeing signs he shouldn’t even be saying that to you he should be supportive and he does not sound like he is at all i think you should just take this time in your life to do you you have been through way too much get yourself together maybe you could join a group maybe you can join a church if you like church just throwing some things out here lol i think you should just do other things you have your daughter you have your sister and your dog thats all you really need right now you are the one in control right now don’t let that guy or anyone else take your power away you are in a good place right now and you know relationships take a lot of work they are not all good times you have to look at the whole picture aren’t you tired of handing your control over to someone else don’t just listen to all the good things he is telling you listen to all of it he is brushing something off that is very important to you and he is already trying to tell u what to do and not to do that right there is not okay darlin you already know the answer you know some of us women are just too nice we are really good hearted people but we are also the ones that end up getting hurt the most have you ever stood up to your friend i know you don’t wanna make him mad so what let him be mad you also need to start making boundaries for yourself you want to continue getting better? stop letting your friend or anyone else tell u what u can and cannot do he does not own you you are your own person and you are beautiful and intelligent and strong and you will get a little stronger everyday sorry i was rambling lol look if u ever need someone to talk to you can email me at pml.glvn@gmail. i will tell u what u need to hear , probably not what you want to hear but i know how all of this goes i have been through it so many times just don’t hand anyone over your power because then they will start taking over and you will feel like a child all over again. at least that is how i used to feel because everyone i was ever attracted to reminded me of my father well he was an alcoholic ,used drugs and was mentally and physically abusive. also was bipolar but he was also funny, goofy , charming, but manipulative could look u in the eye and be lying the whole time , like a snake he treated my mom like crap my mother let my father control her for 20 years and guess what i repeated the same pattern let men control me i liked it when i was younger cause i thought that they really loved me but honey that isn’t love at all. im sorry this is so darn long . anyways god bless you and good night

  2. Thank you for the response. I agree with what you said, as much as I love him and always have (he tried to tell me about my abuser when I was with him) I think he blames me for what happened because I made the choice to stay. No one deserves to live in a violent hell no matter what choices they may or may not had made. He has come to visit a few times and like I said great but I don’t want to choose him just because he is familiar and comfortable and the dating pool seems to be full of sharks in the world lol. I am thinking I need more time to figure this all out. 🙂

  3. your welcome im glad that i am able to help . i don’t think he should blame you for anything its so easy for other people to judge and not have any compassion they think oh well she brought it on herself i know that is what some people will say she must like the abuse you know there just isn’t that much compassion out there anymore he has no right he was not in your shoes at the time and i mean he knew you was being abused did he ever try to literally intervene some people or friends won’t get involved because they think well if i help them get out there is a chance they will just end up going back so sometimes it is best to stay out of it i guess but he should be telling you how strong you are and that you are a survivor at least you did get out and like you said you made a new life for yourself .i mean you are working got yourself a car i think you have come pretty damn far you have come too far to go backwards now just tell youself that .if you need to look at how far you have come nobody, i don’t care how good looking they may be how nice they may appear to be, is worth you losing everything you had to fight to get back especially your freedom and your insanity you got out before it was too late. but i agree about not choosing him just because he is familiar and comfortable . and you do see there are a lot of sharks out there . see im alone but the reason i stay alone because i feel safer this way noone is ever gonna hurt me again or bring me down or criticize me and i have tried dating a few times and yes it felt good in the beginning and im telling you it always does but what ended up happening is i eventually gave up my power over to them and then ended up feeling worse than better and im just tired i want to feel better so what im saying is that you want someone who is gonna make you feel better not worse look you have to look out for you if you don’t who will? if you ever do start seeing someone it needs to be on your terms you make boundaries you take time and think of things you are willing to except and things you aren’t tell them what you want and need from them and hey if they can’t respect you enough for all that you have been through , then either cut them loose or you can like them but from a distance so you will be safe and watch what you tell other people because some people can and will eventually try and use it against you .i just want u to know that i am on disability so i am unable to work but so these are things i like to do i love listening to music i play games on my ipad i watch movies i do have a couple of friends i keep my circle small i pretty much stay to myself i have my mom she comes out to visit once in a while and i have another male friend that i have known for a long time and he is the only one i feel safe around and he has proposed to me many times but i just like things the way that they are he has his own place i have mine ihe has his own income and vice versa he accepts me the way that i am he is weird , but he is like one of the nicest people he would do anything for me if he could he has been there for me when noone else has but i don’t wanna give up my independence it took me so long to get where i am today I used to be a really needy when i was younger and what if i marry this person and then they know that they have you so then they eventually flip on you look im not taking any chances . im good on that one. I feel safe where im at. and i don’t wanna live with anyone i like the living seperate thing that way if one of us gets mad we can just go home and we have our own space i don’t wanna get to the place where i have wrapped my whole life around someone and then end up losing myself in the process been there done that. anyways sorry this is so long omg lol anyways good luck to you and take care of yourself. i enjoy reading your posts I look to seeing more of them. .im gonna go make something to eat and play me a game on my ipad and watch some movies.

  4. I really don’t have friends here just my daughter and her circle who kind of adopted me lol. I have had some medical issues so I just got back to work after a two month medical leave and I am still missing several days a week which does not help my mental health. I enjoy my job and am ready to be able to work five days a week again. They are working with me to try to figure things out. But back onto the subject of my friend. He is a truck driver so even if he was here we would have weeks of not being together (which I am fine with lol) Like I said he is a little judgemental and it makes me want to scream at him. He is almost 59 in a few weeks, didnt have a great relationship with his dad so I think he has things to work through also.

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