Effy Stonem is a character whom I aspire to be like in the sense that she has absolutely no feelings for anyone or anything that doesn’t benefit herself. Lately I’ve been feeling kind of crazy ever since me and my boyfriend broke up. Long story short I’ve never cheated on any of my past relationships, but one of his acquaintances told him I had and when he asked me I told him the truth- that I had not, nor would I ever cheat on him. I told him the truth multiple times when he asked and he still did not believe me so my natural instinct was to break up with him before I lost myself completely and regretted sticking around for someone who cannot see what he has. I needed a way to vent about this because it seems like none of my friends even care considering they didn’t ever really like him to begin with. I don’t want him back, but I feel like being with him has caused me to give up who I really am. This journal is going to be my attempt at finding myself again. Before our relationship I really loved who I was and the path I was heading down. I guess some parts of it are my fault. I let myself get comfortable with him when all along I felt like something was always off. The thing that attracted me to him was his persistence. He knew for months when we first met that I am not the relationship type of girl and that I was not looking for anything. We started out just as friends, but he always wanted a real commitment. Eventually I decided that I would bump our status up to friends with benefits. The sex wasn’t fantastic, in fact it was more or less just mediocre, but it didn’t matter seeing as I had just moved to a new state and knew practically no one so the thought of sleeping with a total stranger was discerning. After a couple months of FWB he was so adamant about a relationship that finally I decided to give it a try and that was the second it all went to hell in a handbasket. His friends were always trying to get with me and he grew a very unhealthy jealousy. Needless to say we broke up shortly later and have been on again since. This last time had been the longest we were together consecutively for nine months. He asked me to come home with him for the holidays to meet his parents and then all of a sudden he decided he wouldn’t believe the girl he claimed to love. Now I feel like I’ve become far too dependent on him and need to find my old “bad bitch” ways again, or so my friends said. So I guess the real question is, if he’s the fucked up one for not believing the woman he “loves”, where does that leave me on the scale of perfect to fucked up? Or am I the sane one who’s been brainwashed by a shitbag loser guy who doesn’t even deserve my love or even to be in a relationship with me?