For the second day in a row after dropping Z off at school I came home and showered/pampered myself. It is the 3rd day in a row that I have shaved my legs to keep them smooth for A. I used to be one of those girls who took winter and pants as an excuse to go all sasquatch, but now I realize that is not fair to him. He enjoys running his hands across my smooth legs and I should take pride in myself so that he has that opportunity.
Included in my new routine is applying lotion to my legs and arms, combing my hair and leaving it down, a little bit of make-up. My clothing is still just tank tops and yoga pants, but instead of layering on long sleeves and t-shrits for a truly sloppy look, I have started wearing a cardigan. I also added a necklace today.
So much of my wardrobe is sloppy looking clothing; I really don’t have a great style. I have started the process of losing weight so that I look good for A, so I don’t want to spend a lot of money on new clothing. I hope to hit my goal in 6 months, and by then maybe I will have a new classier style figured out.
I have continued with not saying “No” to sex. I was kinda tired and going to bed when he asked if I wanted to skip it tonight. I said “Whatever you would like”. He laughed as he closed the door and said “You know what I would like”. I have let him take lead on these encounters which results in him fingering me until I get off. I have probably gotten off more in the last 3 days than I have in the last 6 months. I usually am starfishing it with penis in vagina sex until he gets off and I stop him from pleasuring me. I am not sure how I feel about the new change. I mean, if he wasn’t enjoying it, he wouldn’t do it right?
I continued to do tasks that he requests of me and to be more agreeable. I did not have a lot of opportunities to do so yesterday. I will look for additional opportunities today of course.
The more I read and listen, the more i realize how much I have been emasculating A. I don’t mean in the most recent few months, I mean for years. I have never trusted him to handle things. For example when he worked with me, I always tried to be a barrier between him and the boss, as though he needed my protection. How would that have turned out if I had not stepped in and tried to control him? The boss probably would have had more respect for him.
Then he tried to find other jobs, and I was too scared of him finding something outside the house, that I am certain now that I was actively sabotaging him. Forcing him into the SAHD thing, cleaning and taking care of the kid. No wonder he has been so down lately. By trusting him, by following his lead, by not pushing him away when he wants sex, he will be bale to find himself once again. Funny thing, when I read SAHD, I read it as sad now. Because that is what he is. He loved his job, he loves working, and I have beaten him down into giving those things up.