January, 8th, 2016

Right now I’m really fucking tired, but I know that if I don’t start actually making journal entries I’ll never do it. So I fired up the old dinosaur. I have my three days grace album playing and I’m still in my towel, but that’s okay. So I’m almost one-hundred percent sure I’m a pyromaniac. Ever since M gave me that lighter, I’ve been playing with fire. This morning, at school, I tried to set a small piece of wood on fire and we were burning paper. I guess that’s what happens when a fire starter meets a fire enthusiast, a pyromaniac is born. What I think was so funny is this sweet heart named J (very different than G) came up to me and said, “Well look who looks pretty. You look very business casual, I like that.” while I was setting fire to stuff and playing Red-Let it burn. I know, we listen to burning music, it’s sad. I’ve been taking stronger medication for ADHD and it’s really improving my mood, plus I’m absolutely on top of my shit. Mc bought use necklaces to celebrate our two month anniversary, I think that was really nice. Mine says dork which is fabulous, though a dork is also the name for a whale’s nether regions. I’ll just not think about that context. I think this means we’re heading in a good direction. Sometimes it’s really hard to actually tell what she thinks of me, but there’s always these little things that tell me we’re doing alright. Nothing’s serious yet, it’s only been two months, but I like spending time with her. I’m so tired today. It’s like I can’t shake this heavy feeling, this feeling of a dragging mind. I always get either too much sleep or too little, so being tired is just natural to me. Just like being sick. I’m perpetually nauseous, who knows why. Today I also asked K about getting into a guy’s pants. I have no fucking idea why I did this. I’m way too young to sleep with anything, plus I’m taken and happy in the relationship. I’ve decided my constant thought on guys are just my hormones, hopefully. She suggested a guy friend we both know. I felt this strangest feeling of repulsion. He’s a great guy and every thing. Amazing, kind, every thing. However, I don’t think I could sleep with him if we were the last two people on earth. I just can’t think of him this way. I have no idea why high school is like this. I took a smoke break today, pathetic. I’m not even a smoker. On top of everything, the art UIL is coming up February 6. My piece is a picture of me, not my idea by the way. Everything is such a cluster fuck, but I’ve had way worse than this. I know people have had it way worse than my worse. Life is just that way I guess. I’m sure I have more things to tell you or say, but I’m really drawing a blank here. I guess that’s what happens when I stay up past like ten. I guess I’ll go and sleep or something like that. My medication is running out of my system, so I want to get to sleep soon. Whenever it wears out at the end of the day all of the thoughts come. There’s hundreds of thoughts and there’s always song lyrics smothering me because my brain sucks at relaxing. Lucky me. Night.

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