I still love him.

I feel like I’m still lying. I do, to an extent. When Jay asks me what’s wrong I just smile and say nothing, even if there is which most of the time there is. I miss Damon, but I can’t very well tell him that. I can’t tell him that I’m suffering a heart break, I’m still trying to get over this man that got me so well. I do still love Damon and I’m trying to separate those feelings, I can love him because its my right, he gave me a precious little boy but I don’t want a life with him. I know that I would be worse off then I am now. I know how he really is, he is all about himself, immature, selfish, degrading. He would make everything out to be my fault. I’m pretty sure I would be homeless or on the verge. He smokes weed, that’s all fine and good that’s his choice and I have never had a problem with him doing it, but only because I have never suffered the consequences of him choosing it over me, or buying it when bills need to be paid. During our affair, I had bought him 2 phones, taken him to the casino multiple times, let him borrow money, went out of my way to things for him. I remember once I was working a double, I had not left my clients house in 12 hours and I was starving. I begged him to bring me something to eat and he never replied. I know its not that big of a deal but to me the little things mean the most. He didn’t care and it hurt. There towards the end, we had a fight. I threw it all up in the air and told him how I felt. things seemed to have been getting better between us afterwards. he seemed like he cared for me more then ever. He would show up randomly at my job, bringing me food and my favorite energy drink. He brought me flowers and a hoodie (sprayed with his cologne) once when I told him I was freezing and told me the corniest line ever. ‘Hoodie to warm your outside, and flowers for your soul’. He may have had his priorities fucked up in the beginning but I think he was really trying to prove something to me at the end. I don’t know if he has changed because lately he seems like the old him again. Maybe I really fucked him up to.

    It’s been a while since he has asked about his, our son. It truly saddens me. Cayden will be 2 months old in a week and Damon has yet to make the effort to try and meet him. I stopped trying, the ball is in his court now. I used to text or message him every other day to tell him any updates on Cayden. I don’t now. I wait for him to messgae me. It’s been 11 days now. I only hope I’m doing what’s right for my son and letting Damon be apart of his life. It’s only right. Isn’t it?

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