Late night thinking

Two years ago I was miserable, but I didn’t recognize it. I would wake up each day, sometimes, and go through the motions of being human. I was an empty shell of what I once was, only to be left in solitude by those who should care. How do I find myself again? Well, the first step was find a doctor to help with those fucking anxiety attacks that had enslaved me so I could at least attempt to leave the house. Second was recognizing that my job was going to kill me. Toxic people and a toxic environment, lose-lose. Found a new job – great! Problem solved, right? No, wait…still sleeping on the couch alone and drinking myself to sleep each night just to be numb. Everything piled up, from bills to problems that I insisted on avoiding. Well, all that started years ago too, but it has become way worse at this time. Awesome, more things to isolate myself from. Luckily I met someone (not just anyone – a god) at my new workplace. Someone who started a fire inside my empty shell. Time to ditch the marriage to the life-sucker, but of course I do so in my typical fashion and fuck everything up worse than it already was. It’s ok, wine still makes me numb. Doesn’t give me a good reputation at the new job though. I never gave them a chance to judge me based on who I really am. I’ll always regret that, but I can’t change it, I can only move forward. Fast forward. Life still goes on and I fly by the seat of my pants. Sometimes it’s a breeze, sometimes it knocks me down. Now that I have someone to truly love and someone who is stronger than me, I’ve successfully quit drinking and smoking. Phew, just in time too. There’s a baby on the way. There’s a little miracle growing in my body, made from the unbreakable love of two people. Sometimes he still doubts me and questions me, but I can’t really blame him. I mean, I’ve done some really dumb shit and still fight to get my life back together. I’m not this fucking loser that I appear to be sometimes, but it makes me seem unstable. I’m working on the bills and the procrastination issues…but what he doesn’t see is that I’m still breathing because he loves me. The wine surely would’ve killed me by now. I quit because I want to live a long life in love with him and now our little one. I don’t blame him at all for being wary of me. But I vow to dedicate every ounce of my energy to proving to him that I’m worth it and I’m a loyal companion. I’m still finding bits and pieces of myself that were lost over the years, dusting them off, and gluing them back into place. I’m still fragile while the glue is drying….but I got this shit.

One thought on “Late night thinking”

  1. You are such a beautiful mess. Hang in there, things will only get better. They have to!

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