November 22, 2015

 6 o’clock that evening me and my husband loaded up the car to head to the hospital. That night was the night I was going to be induced. I texted Damon and told him that I was on my way, he told me to keep him updated. On the way to the hospital I started feeling my stomach tightening but I put it off that it was my anxiety and the stress from being nervous. I got to the hospital and checked in. Got to my room and they hooked me up to all the monitors to track how my body was doing before hand. The plan was to give me the oxytocin and start the inducement around 5 am but apparently my body had other plans. The tightening that I felt on the way to the hospital proved to be true contractions. They were about 4 minutes apart. The nurse smiled and laughed jokingly that the baby doesn’t want to wait. Around 10pm they checked me and I had dilated from a 4 to 7 since I had been there. This time the nurse wasn’t joking and told me that in her opinion the baby would make his arrival soon. The contractions were becoming closer together and almost unbearable. I texted Damon to give him the update. No reply. Around 1am I had told the nurse that I had changed my mind and that I needed the epidural. They called in the anesthesiologist and he arrived a short time later. He had me bend over with my head almost between my knees, shot me up with numbing medicine to enter the tube in my spine. He inserted the tube and gave me the medication but it didn’t feel right. I started screaming in pain and telling them that something is wrong and that my left shoulder was on fire. I don’t remember much about that exact moment but I do remember the loud booming voice behind me saying that it was a perfect insertion and that he didn’t know what I was talking about. They laid me down and the pain from my shoulder subsided rather quickly. I was still feeling every contraction and the unbelievable pain that came with it. The reassured me the epidural would kick in soon and that it will slow my contractions down a bit. It did slow down my contractions within 10 minutes or so, far enough apart that I could catnap between them. I was exhausted and still in pain. The only thing that epidural numbed was my left hip. I told the nurses and they told me to push this little button connected to my iv and it would push more medication through my tap. I must have pushed it 15 times but it didn’t help. Exhausted, I fell asleep long enough to be awoken by a popping sound inside my body. My water had just broke and the contractions were now stronger then ever. My husband called for the nurse and they came and changed my bedding. Now I had a room full of nurses and not one doctor in sight and my baby was on his way. They checked me and said I was only dilated to and 8 and that it would be a while before he was here. I kept telling them that I needed to push and that he was coming. They checked me again and I was told once again that it would be a while but I couldn’t help but hear the nurse tell another nurse to call the on call. About 15 minutes later the Dr came. I pushed 6 times and my son was born at 3:12 in the morning. They laid him on my chest and I started bawling. All I could think of was how beautiful he was. I don’t know why but I didn’t notice that my son had stopped breathing. I knew he had stopped crying but i thought it was because he had me. The nurse ripped him away from me and rushed out of the room. I had no idea what was going on. My husband had told me after he realized I was confused and rushed after the nurses. I instantly started panicking. I was now alone with no one to tell me anything about my son. It was only a minute but it felt like hours before a nurse came back in to check on me. I instantly asked her about my son and she had told me that he had got some fluid on his lungs and they where sucking it out. It wasn’t long before I heard a faint cry in the hallway. My baby, my beautiful little boy. My husband came in the door with a nurse pushing my son behind him. He was ok. 

    We got into our room that we would be staying in for the next couple days. I sat in the bed snuggling my new bundle of joy when my husband, Jay, sat down next to me. He looked at him with tears in his eyes and whispered to me something that I will never forget

    ‘I know we don’t share the same blood, but if you allow me, I want to be his daddy. I love this little boy already so very much. I feel like yesterday could have never existed without him. I know that Damon wants to be there for him to, but please allow me to be there to raise him, to teach him how to be a man. I want to be his daddy more then anything else in this world.’

     All I could do was cry. I wanted so much to move past everything that has happened, to forget everything. I wished I would have never told Damon that my son was his, I wished that I have never hurt my husband the way I did but at the moment I reality hit, if it hadn’t been for what I have done, I wouldn’t have this perfect little human laying here snuggled up in my arms. Damon and I had been the most perfect mistake. 

      I debated whether I should message Damon and tell him that Cayden was here. He still hasn’t responded to any of the other messages I had sent him but eventually I gave in. I had sent him a short and sweet message saying he was here and how much he weighed. He finally replied about 5 hours later with two words ‘he’s cute’. Im not sure if I said anything before but my husband is white, like the whitest you can be with fire engine red hair. Damon is half black. My son was born only 1/4 black but he obviously wasn’t my husbands. I was kind of hurt by Damon’s response, definitely not what I was expecting. The nurse came in to take Cayden to get his testing done and I told my husband that I needed to  get out of that room and go wander around. As soon as I was out of sight I called Damon. I was a little angry. I had put my neck out on the line for this man during my whole pregnancy, assuring my husband that Damon wants to be there, he’s not this monster I made him out to be in the beginning, he deserves to have a part in his sons life and yet here I am, standing in the hallway of the hospital hours after delivery, listening to the repeated ringing on his end of the line fuming. I felt like at that moment I got the text from him that he didn’t really care, I may have been over reacting but this baby wasn’t just a baby. This baby was his first son, and he come out looking just like him. He finally answered. All of a sudden I couldn’t be pissed at him anymore. His voice, something I hadn’t heard in a long time, calmed my anger. I asked him what he thought and in return he asked me the same thing. I told him that I wasn’t going to tell him what I thought but instead what I know. I told him that I just delivered the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen, that Cayden is healthy and that he now had a son. He asked me if I was sure and I told him I was, I asked if he was going to come to the hospital like we had planned and he told me he had to see if his mom could drive him down (oh yeah Damon lives 5 hours away from me). All I could do was say ok. He asked who I put on the birth Certificate. I told him the truth, that I had explained to the hospital secretary my situation and she gave me a paper to where I could legally put Jay on the birth certificate. Damon didn’t like that, at all. I couldnt blame him but I felt like I did the right thing. It hurt knowing that I hurt him but Jay was there for me, through everything. Every appointment, he rubbed my tummy every night and spoke to the baby. He made sure that we had everything Cayden would need. He was already Caydens dad knowing the whole time that Cayden wasn’t biologically his. He was there through the delivery, he cut his cord, he was there for him when i couldnt be, when they were getting his breathing stabilized. Jay is Caydens daddy, Damon, well we’ll see what he is.

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