please read

I’ve been thinking lately. Since the new year started I’ve started journaling, but I want other people to read this, so I decided to put it online. Here’s what I wrote in my actual physical journal:

1/9/16

“Our hearts are wild animals. That’s why our ribs are cages.”

I need to unplug. I need to stop thinking of what to say thirty seconds before I say it. But I can’t. How? Everything is bottled up. It needs to be released. I want to show emotions. Not a character.

I wish I could be carefree. Not make an outfit the night before, or wake up early to do my hair. But I have to.

Because I care. I care what they think. I care if they don’t like me. I feel ugly when I don’t put on my mask of foundation. 

But the problem is I think I always will. 

But I’m fine. Right? I should be happy, and I think I am. Except for one thing.

I need to stop caring. But I still do. But I don’t want to.

I want to be alone, or just out, for a week or a year. To escape and forget. But here’s what I realized. 

I will always have to come back. 

I can’t escape. I can only hide.

The future is inevitable. All we can do is postpone it. So make the reality you are left with the best possible. 

You can’t change reality. Only hide from it.

There’s no point in giving up. Everyone is stuck in a dumb situation. But we all have to try to make it better.

And I think the meaning of life is to be happy. 

But happy dosen’t mean always have friends, or are popular. 

You weren’t born happy. You have to work to be happy. 

And I think that’s what I was saying a little earlier. 

We all have to try to make out lives better, and that will make us happy. 

Becoming happy means making a bad situation better. 

And that takes a person. A special person.

YOU

you are special. and you can do it. and it’s gonna get better.

But it’s you who has to change first. 

Make yourself happy. 

And it won’t be long. 

Just,

carry on

  – A, xoxo

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