Exhaustingly Overwhelmed

There is so much running through my head, I don’t know where to even start. I’m a full-time employee, a college student, a fairly newlywed, a new mom as of 3 months ago and a fairly new homeowner with a full house (4 adults, 2 babies-only 1 is mine, 4 dogs and a cat). Just recently my best friend who took his life has violently crashed back into my head again, not that I ever forgot about him, but things got a little easier in dealing with the fact that he took his own life and I had no way knowing or being able to help. However, when someone is planning on taking their own life, they don’t really divulge with friends or family. Clearly he was good at hiding his emotions and problems.

So, 16 year ago at the end of the summer before my freshman year of high school, I had just gotten back from my dad’s house in Florida and wanted to call and tell him all about the fun I had over the summer and to see what all he did. Everything changed as soon as I heard the tone in his mom’s voice as she tells me that he had killed himself. My heart dropped. I dropped the phone, fell to the floor and cried the hardest I have ever cried before in my life. I was 15 years old when I received the heartbreaking news that I would never be able to talk to my best friend ever again.

I have battled with depression, self-blame and hatred toward him for a really LONG time. It wasn’t fair. How could he do that to me? I learned to cope the best way I knew how… grades in school suffered, acting out and getting into trouble, rebelling (even though this really started when my parents got a divorce-again blaming myself for the end result),  drinking, drugs, breaking laws, etc. Once I came to terms with him and what he had done,  things started getting a little easier. I eventually got my shit together and tried as hard as I could to let go a little more each day and live my life the right way.

Now, I am happily married with a beautiful daughter. I have the best family a girl could ever ask for. I have amazing parents (which, actually, they got re-married 10 years ago – which the divorce really messed me up, but hey it’s a fairy tale ending, right?), wonderful in-laws and an out of this world husband. I haven’t had my heart this full in a VERY long time. So, why is he coming back into my head? Why do I feel haunted by him again?

As morbid as this may sound, I have been doing research on trying to find him. I feel that I am finally ready to come to terms and seek a little closure. I have contacted the main county paper where he used to live and given them some information about him. A few hours later, they called me back and told me they found him. My heart dropped. They gave me the name of the cemetery where he was buried and drove up to the mountains that weekend to find him and say my peace. Here’s the kicker… The cemetery is unmarked and apparently located in the middle of the woods, according to Google Maps. I never found where he was. So I am not trying to find his mother so I can rehash that devastating time in her life. Although I am secretly holding off on doing that because who actually wants to do that to someone who had to bury their own child?

I feel I am at the point where I say, “Damnit Kenneth, you’re being an asshole! Just tell me where you are!” I still love and miss him immensely, I just feel it is time to confront my demons and make peace. I don’t have to forget him, but I need to let him go. I think holding on for 16 years is long enough…

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