I didn’t how vulnerable storytelling was until I was lied to like this. People literally write all over you in life and it’s crazy what they feel entitled to without ever reaching into chaos to comfort you when they see something nice to preserve. I see them laughing when I turn my back. From the corner of my eye they tell each other things that I’m not privy to know about. I wish I’d been informed of the state around me. It feels dangerous in the world but they tell me I have a mental health issue until they incriminate me for realizing something valid about it.
The young girls keep disappearing around me and the only thing I could swear my life on before they left was to tell lies to stay safe. Never say what you went through because they always reinforce the circumstances of the original injury. I’m too bombarded with invasive interest from people to even attempt to protect myself. Irregardless, they make everything I say into a dirty lie and I end up reincarnated as Jesus Christ. If I have a mental illness it’s that I believe that I’m the 2nd coming of Christ- and maybe it’s just symbolism I’m working with in my brain because it’s absolutely ridiculous. I suppose the idea of being crucified could be some sort of dramatic theme my mind has invented from PTSD. But they’re always changing my diagnosis so it seems counterintuitive that they’d be so disrespectful of a mentally ill girl’s well being.. I caught on too late that no one saw things in the world nicely and everything from the old world was chastised.
It’s redundant. I’ve said the same thing over and over and nobody’s catching on .. I get incriminated for provoking peace in my story. Everyone’s the same. I don’t like what our culture is expecting from people. It’s vulgar and dissatisfying to love. Even uncomfortable to love. It makes us into Indians to love.
when it was I was telling my story and they looked at me like it wasn’t the truth and it feels really wicked that someone created this dishonesty and now nobody knows who’s lying. writing this I feel like anything will be looked at skeptically based on the movement around my safety. There is no hope for humanity as we move toward the enlightenment of the West. It’s not much of an enlightenment. Everything is obsolete. In my most traumatic moments contracting AIDS feels like a good social relief. The third world countries are now the first world. The ghetto is our inspiration and we all look at life like it’s a really good comedy so that nothing ever hurts.