Ha! Just picked this color to see how the custom color works. Having fun playing with is…will be interesting to see what to make public and what to keep private although nobody is going to care or to read it…or probably figure out that it is me. I don’t know. Just so danged sad today. Full of fatigue, full of regrets. Did not sleep well last night. Woke up every half hour or so.
Then when it was time to get up…I overslept. In between when awake I played on my phone. And of course read LL’s post to Jeremy…I swear she only posts her syrup after I make my posts…although I guess by now she has been their stepmom as long as I was and she really is since she has the piece of paper. Then there were the really nice pics ofM in KEY LARGO posted by the wife…her salty husband, her handsome husband…WTF…I’m crying now as I write this.
And here I am stuck in Indy working this crap job, making crap fighting winter…did I do anything at all right in this damn world? I’m starting to think not. Ah well and now I must go back to work oh joy of joys!
Ah…yes…a Reese peanut butter egg makes everything alright. Well okay no not really it does NOT really…but it is a moment of calm, a moment of comfort in a sea of discontent!
I seriously do not know why I am doing this and I do like book form better but I like the notion of this being hidden away forever online. I supposed I could copy and paste bits and pieces into a regular document something that would not have to be private I don’t know. Seriously I do not know.
I just know it is the depth of January, it’s cold, cloudy and has been snowy. I want to climb in bed and pull the covers over my head…well not really…just up to my chin. I want to take drugs (sleeping meds) and I want to hibernate! And I know that is simply NOT possible. I cannot even get all the rest I need plus anything extra. I have work to face and taking care of mom and the depression and the money stress and, and, and!!
And now it just got worse at work. I was humping it hoping to get this 32 min one done…well she just realized she sent it to Anita as well. So okay fine I get credit for what I had already done…but I was moving along. Now I don’t get to finish it…and it was a good one (easy enough) and I have to start on a 92 minute one. The long ones are always hard for m e…I get so damn bored and distracted before they are done! Plus they take me longer, there go my pages, fuck, shit nothing going right! I just wanna go back to bed! UGH
Okay so here I am at work, trying to make the best of it figuring it might be a knock off early kind of day but it would be swell to get more than 14 pages today! Anyhow the damn thing is past five minutes and the detective still has not entered the room, not a word has been uttered. OMG. What a day. So here I sit…listening to nothing and typing up my own life as it is.
I am so ready to leave here…so very ready today. I’m sure much of my discontent is the grey January skies. Who knows maybe it is the realization of how old I am getting…Donny being 37 today and all of that…memories of being a new and very young mother.
Or the fact that I am almost 63 and far from being able to retire…my age, my mortality…the many, many places I want to go and things I want to do and I can do none of it. If only I had played things differently…if only. But then again the reality is that with mom to take care of at this current season of my life I could not go anywhere anyhow. But it is so exhausting and more so when forced to hold down a full time job. I say “hold down” because with fmla and such I am not really working it 40 hours a week…but then when I’m not I’m not getting paid for it either and hence the money stress!
I just want to burst into tears truly I do. Well hey I should be done here in a minute…I heard a key in a lock and now some muffled words. Door closing? Hopefully Mr. Detective whomoever he is will start soon. No name on this damn thing. Oh and I have now gone 8 minutes plus with nothing!
Okay 10.5 minutes…ugh!
Ah…she has left the building…in ten minutes I shall depart! Enough of this already! Well I’m on mom duty tonight…and I should not complain…I mean really we all must do it and it is good to be with her but this is the one night that I the most do not want to do this! I just want to go home and go to bed…I’m tired, depressed and feeling so dreary!