My biggest fear is to do with love and hate, there’s a scientific link in the brain between love and hate as when a stimulant is introduced the putamen and insula circuits of the brain are active for both hate and love – this idea really worries me. At late teens I always imagined this is the point where love would flourish, with the lack of financial pressure, there should be more freedom, but I find myself figuratively and literally anchored, feelings that I don’t really understand for a girl. They’ve got me flip-turned upside-down and it scares me, me and her are currently just very close friends, but I guess I’ve fallen in love with her, but can you really blame me for falling for just the most beautiful amazing person that I’ve ever seen and that I’d imagine I’d ever see.
There are aspects of this which aren’t all bad, I feel like knowing her has made me a better person and has made me want to be a better person, for her: but there’s a flip-side, I’d like to think of love and hate as two sides of the same coin, a coin where although there is my pure and true love for her, which I cannot see as being ignoble or unjust in any way; there is also a weird hatred, which can be embodied in many ways, usually jealousy like when I see her giving more attention to another guy than to me, it hurts me and although I shouldn’t because they’re also my friends, there is a weird sort of metaphorical scar within our friendship, which they would not notice, but I don’t know why but I just become slightly more cynical.(This section probably made very little sense.)
So pretty much, I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me back, I can’t stop thinking about her, this has been going on for over a year, I’m not like obsessive, I do realise that this does sound quite creepy, but me and her are close friends, I’m not a weirdo stalker or anything. This love has made me feel very uncharacteristic hatred and has made me question my morals very often, like am I a good person, if i can feel this way towards people because she’s not acting the way I’d like her to towards me? I feel ultimately selfish.
My situation makes me think of Ted and Robin from How I Met Your Mother, where she’s simply just a generally amazing person, and nothing will ever be the same with anyone else as with her, but you can never be together, but then again they do, at the very end. I don’t want to go through a chain of girls before I can finally get with her like Ted does, so yeah there’s that.
I guess I just want to put my feelings in ink, I’ve tried writing in a diary before which, I had always planned to give to her one day, but I guess that doesn’t settle my feelings down at all, so maybe the thought that other people out there can see my pain, my struggle then, then, I don’t know. I just, I don’t know.
desiderusaroha (Latin: Yearning/Sorrowful, Hebrew: Lover)