Being sober, I have finally seen my real emotions. Who I really am. Not hiding being alcohol to mask any feelings.
Life hasn’t turned out the way I had planned, and probably the same for others. I make no excuses. I’ve had so many conflicted thoughts and actions lately it’s hard to even know what to think. The only thing I know for sure, is that from day one I loved someone more than myself or anything else in this world. It was her and only her the whole time, no one else.
I have so much value and worth to offer. I live my life with my heart, and it gets the best of me at times when I should have listened to my head. I have changed my life around in such a fashion I’m a completely new person; for the better. I wish it hadn’t had taken so long for me to see it.
It’s all a mess. My son is distraught over the loss of a few “people” that he wants/can’t see. He reminds me everyday; which hurts even more. It’s not his fault. I just want something to work for his sake because he deserves it more than anyone.
I wish we be civil for our kids , with no hidden agendas behind it. I’m sincere, and I just want what’s best for everyone. Kids don’t need to suffer because the adults had their differences. They deserve happiness more than we.
I accept how things are, and that it takes both sides to want it. All I have is love in my heart, sobriety has shown me that’s who I truely am. I wish nothing but the best to the one I cared about. Her happiness regardless of me, is all I wish for her. We just weren’t good for each other anymore. And that’s gonna have to be ok. We will both move on to other things and people that will better our lives. I will always cherish every moment shared, every smile we had, every hug we gave each other and every little random joke or remark we made to one another. The little things made the best of times. I loved her family. They are all good people. I was always scared that I couldn’t meet their expectations. I realize now that it was just me overthinking and putting more pressure on myself. I’d give anything to make it up to everybody. The sober me, is the better me. I pray daily to God that it will never end, but it seems that it must.
Enough tears have been shed from us both I’m sure of. But tears wash away the dirt out of our eyes to look ahead and see clearer to what can be or will be.
Love makes you do the craziest things. It’s the hardest thing to deal with I believe. It plays with your mind, and all of your emotions. But I ever so deeply believe that love is also the greatest of things. You know the minute you meet the person, if you were meant to be, and then you build from there. Through all of the ups and downs. And the minute you give up, is when your love will save you.
So as I end this post with tears racing down my face, I say my final goodbye to the relationship, to my best friend, to the person who made my life worth living for everyday. I truely believe that deep way down in her heart she feels the same. All I ever wanted was her. I wish her well. No more tears for either of us. Let her beautiful smile twinkle like the stars as she finds herself, and finds happiness. I know who she really is, I know the good that’s inside of her. I will forever love her, i will always be here for her, I will never talk ill of her or her family, and no one will ever take her place.
“be strong, and give thee the opportunity to show you the change”
“he will not let down, he will show that the impossible, is possible”