So at the time of finally finishing this it’s around 3am here and I can’t sleep, got stuff on my mind but that is for another entry, coming soon.
I think it is fairly safe to say that the majority of people out there have something they want to change about themselves. Whether it is something about certain aspects of their attitude, something about their looks, certain addictions one may have, habits etc etc, there is generally something that a person would like to change about themselves.
Overall I am pretty happy with who I am as a person however there are also things I would like to change about myself with the main two being my weight and a character trait. I won’t go into the weight side of things as this is one I’ve been pushing hard with and have already lost some good weight, and with the fantastic support I’m getting from a couple of friends I hope this will continue as it has been.
So the character trait, kind of difficult to put into words but I’ll give it a go. One of the issues I have is that I can work myself up about upsetting or hurting the ones that I love and sometimes it drives me to utter distraction. It can be over the smallest things to, sometimes I can work myself up in to a state about whether I’ve done something wrong or said something I shouldn’t have that and 99% of the time its not even been close to being an issue and the other person is completely fine however I’ve been sat awake in bed for hours worrying about or spend a day at work thinking about it.
I always worry about what other people think of me. It’s something that plays on my mind constantly. I’m a relatively shy character by nature and I personally believe that worrying what others think of me is part of the reason for being shy. For example writing this entry has got me worried about what my friend or my sister would think of me if they read what I’ve written. I’m worried that if I’m myself those around me will think differently of me in a negative way. I’ve always striven to be a good person, whether it is helping people out with whatever I can or providing emotional support and friendship I try my best, and sometimes I know I could have done better but for the most part I think I do a pretty OK job however again I worry that if I haven’t done as good as I could have or think I’ve done something wrong that I’m going to upset someone or they will think less of me.
I guess this comes down to two things, the first is I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for who I am and what I have done, the amazing friends I have and the family that care do so because they love me for who I am and I need to remember that. This leads onto the other point which is I need to trust in my friends and family that they love me for me, and that they will be there to support me when I need it, accept my weird qualities. I think this one is particularly important because trusting people is a big deal for anyone and I feel really shitty for saying that because they have put their trust and faith in me, but also these same people that I’m worried about upsetting the most are also the ones I would trust with my life to the very end. I know in the back of my mind that this is all in my head, however it’s something I’ve been dealing with for a long time so moving past it is tough.
I feel like sometimes I just need to get out of my head completely, which is partly where writing has helped, I don’t think I’m quite at the stage of openly talking about it just yet. Overall I have been working on not worrying so much and things have been getting better, I find myself worrying a little less about situations and even though there have been a couple recently that I’ve worried about far more than necessary, on the whole I’m improving. If you have been, or are in a a similar position then please post below, all feed back is encouraged as always and would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for reading.