2016-01-24 03-42-03.710

A weight is lifted but is this feeling real or chemical….

I did something I didn’t think I would be able to do… I through away a big part of me, something I have used daily for shit way to long, I threw away my IV Kit, the box with the needles, my pill grinder  and empty capsules. I did save a needle or two for well safe keeping but i couldn’t bare to see the rest any longer and I’m happy I disposed of it. 


Want to thank you for the two comments, gives me strength and hope but also I want to be fully honest, today I purchased another point and a half of crystal meth-amphetamine. I know crystal gets a really bad wrap especially in the States but honestly I find it to be my savoir right now. It has kept me focused on other things like this journal would of never started and Im listening to music alot, one of my true passions and something Ive been neglecting the past couple months. Unlike the opiates with the JIB (crystal) I can come and go with it, if I only had pills its all I would think about, “TIME FOR ANOTHER SMASH, GO GO GO” to the point where I would do all my shit and fuck myself for the following days or spend an absurd amount of cash. With the Jib, I did a hit not even half a point around 1230pm, it is now almost 230, if it was a pill it would of been long gone but the crystal I can control and I know its just a heavy ass crutch Im leaning on but its helping and if I need to do it a bit to get through these with drawls, well to me that worth it. I enjoy sleep to much to become addicted to Crystal. The past summer my Ex and I went on a bender behind each others backs, well me being stubborn I went almost 10 days without sleeping and after that, after being in that state of mind where its hard to define what is real from what is not I will never abuse crystal again. I enjoy using substances, I dont enjoy alcohol I find it turns people ugly. I strongly support the full LEGALIZATION of all drugs, let society choose, that was were not shooting dangerous cut street drugs, or were not out killing and robbing one another just so we can get out fix and feel like the norm.  

I am actually going to see my favourite DJ Friday, ARMIN VAN BURREN! A STATE Of TRANCE BABY!!!! Last time I seen him was a year ago on Jan 21, one of the greatest/saddest nights Ive had out at a club. It was beyond epic cause Armin through down this wicked dirty old school mixed with some fresh beat Trance for a whopping 6 hour set, he played til 7am cause it was his last time playing at the Legendary GUVERNMENT Complex in Toronto (RIPGUV).

In 2009 on Boxing Day, I was a GUV VIRGIN, I showed up there to see the Mighty Deadmau5, what I didn’t realize was I was about to become a Toronto Raver. That night made me fall deeply in love with a scene I thought i hated, the EDM CLUB SCENE. 

The first couple years I went to the GUV it was truly a magnificence place, what I dont get is why it took til 2013 for the whole world to blow up on EDM. What happened to thats druggie music, not music my fucking Grandma listens to, ” I love that Strobe Effect Song by that 5 guy, you know the mousey dead one” when she said that to me my heart dropped cause I just tatted that Mau5head across my right forearm. I love the tat but hate who it draws attention to, posers. The ones who ruined Guv, kandi kids, who are there not for the music but so they can post it all over facebook and fucking instagram.  

I get worked up, going to the Guv after work on Saturdays with my girl at the time was some of the greatest experiences of my life and I will never forget them. LOL Totally jumped off topic cause of the JIB….  

Currently I am at about hour 50 plus, my withdrawals are pretty heavy but the meth euphoria makes them quite mild, I know sleeping is not going to happen so Im not even going to try but I knew that going into this, Im going to  rock beats all night and write more later, it definitely helps even if Im the only one reading. 

2 thoughts on “A weight is lifted but is this feeling real or chemical….”

  1. Oh my stars! Raves… that’s a scene I love dearly and can’t be a part of. Other than cigarettes, X was my first big addiction. To this day I get spine tingles when I hear Paul Oakenfold.

    I can’t and won’t judge you for using meth. It has a bad rap in the states because… well people see that drug as a “zombie apocalypse” type thing. It makes what might have been good people do terrible things hence that rap. A lot of notorious child abuse cases here have meth as the root cause. That’s not to say non-profit users don’t do terrible things as well. The media portrays what it wants.

    Congratulations on getting rid of your kit. Compare it to removing the shackles. Every step is a huge step! I believe you have it in you to beat the statistics. And if you do slip up, just keep trying. Remember this is for you, no one else, just you.

    I agree with you about the legalization of drugs. Don’t even get me start on my theories. I honestly think drugs are a government business and form of mind control. If the government really wanted to fight the war on drugs, they’d focus on treatment rather than drug money and drug busts. (In my humble opinion).

    Just keep fighting and stay strong! Change your habits, create a new routine and structure for yourself. Sometimes the ritual is the stronger addiction than the drugs themselves.

  2. Wow your awesome. I feel the exact same way about bullshit laws, why can I acess heroin and blow, shit that is made on the other side of the planet, I think that is of bigger concern then someone possessing it. Addicts need rehabilitaion all jail has did for any of the people i know who have been has made them worse criminals, lifers. its sad really. i gotta say my typing may be off, eyes are focusing in and out from lack of sleep but comes with the territory, i kinda figured i prob wouldnt even try to go to bed til atleast wed and that iis all the meth does, keeps my briain occupied while my body withdrawlls, all take anyhrthing over methadone or doing it sober.

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