Im not sure what has compelled me to start writing a journal, the meth-amphetamine and withdrawal making me over think or some sign of clarity that if I write down how I feel and what I use if I do and taking daily photos may give me that strength that I haven’t had before.
I am 31 and I am currently a addict, Id like to say just to opiates but those are what control my life, my addiction is to the spike, the needle, that poke, that rush, I crave it 24/7 and I am truly hitting my last life lines.
I have been laid off work cause I was always dope sick and I used every excuse imaginable to get off work when I was at work, I owe everyone I know money, I have been losing friends to the point where I only really have one left, I lost the Love of my life and my boy, my Tobydog, the two shines of light in my life because I spent money on pills instead of paying her back when she was nothing but good to me.
My life from the second I wake up is a daily struggle, how will I possibly afford the next pill, who will I scam money off, what can I sell. These thoughts put me through pure distress daily to the point where I cant even do anything else cause its all I think about.
I have had multiple abscesses on both of my arms so hiding my IV addiction from the ones close to me like I thought I did was a failure. I have to rely on my Dad and Stepmom, people who I barely even spoke to over the course of my adult life just to eat on a daily basis cause I have no money for food.
I think about death on a daily basis, it scares me, not the thought of dying but the thought of me being so frustrated and fed up with the way my life is going and the thought that I wont get out of this that taking my own life would be a more peaceful option, but then I think of how bad it will effect the few people in my life…
My Mom, even though she lives in Ottawa she is my closest family member. I have never been judged by her, she took me in and helped me get clean last time I was down this road but she was in a better place then financially and health wise that I cannot bare this burden on her once more.
My Dad, StepMom, and Brother and Sister, what would they think if I had took my life when we lived in the same city, would they blame themselves, especially them seeing me every day when I go there to savage food so I dont wither away.
I have truly never wanted to quit before as bad as I want to now, before it was always financial reasons. Sure that is probably why I am where I am now but its so much more then that, I have seen what I have become and what I have done to the people who Love me and I am not a bad person.
I used to blame my life, me not wanting to move to Niagara Falls when I was 8, I wanted to stay in Ottawa with my Mom, but my half brother, the brother who shares the same Mom with me wasn’t having that, he wanted to be in Niagara Falls with my father. My brother got the good looks, the artistic ability, hes sharp and smooth and can pick up smoking hot girls I would be terrified to talk to. He was good at sports and I had none of that.
What I got when I came to the Falls was an overbearing sense of abandonment from my Mom which made me a huge pussy, I cried over everything as a kid. I was also sexually abused when I was younger by a class mate calling it “Truth or Dare”. These actions have effected my adult life in a bad way.
When I use opiates, I am numb to the world, for my twenties that was perfect but now that I am getting older, I dont want to be numb any more. I want a life, all around me I see people my age with good jobs, family’s and homes and I have nothing but an addiction. I am always broke and sitting alone in my room, what kind of life is this, Ive never even left North America before.
I read that only 10% of needle users can kick there habit, with my “Gray” family addiction them all being alcoholics I have a feeling that me beating that statistic isnt going to be easy. I am going to take it a day at a time, Im going to write in here twice a day, once in the morning and once before bed, taking pictures both times as well to see how I look.
Maybe over the course of time I will look back and read what I went through and this journal can always be a reminder that these are the worst of it and it can only get better from here because if it doesn’t I wont live to see 40.
I am coming down pretty hard off the gak, that helped me through the first 24 hours of my withdrawals but I know me becoming an insomniac cause Im a meth head and not an opiate addict is not a solution. Methadone or suboxone isnt either. I have to kick this for once and for all and never look back and this my friend is DAY FUCKING 1. I havent slept in almost 36 hours and counting.