A moment of clarity and Im stuck with shadows of anxiety and fear.

So I am coming along trying to get off my massively life crippling multiple times a day spiking my self with opiates. Yes my crutch is crystal but thats not what Im scared about.

I fear that after I am clean, free of the opiates that have controlled almost every aspect of my life for way to long, when I am free I wont feel free I will feel like I am missing a chapter of myself. The pills werent just getting me high, they numb me from my life.

I have fucked it up so bad, I really dont know if there is ever any coming back from all of this. The wounds may have clsoed but the scars will always be there. I hide from the childhood I think I didnt deserve, I hide from over past choices that lead to a life time of pain and regret.

But mostly I hide from myself and the demons I have to face. How can I ever justify losing Britt and Toby… I will never have them back, we wont be a family like that again cause if we were here family would likely disown her and Im not willing to risk that even though there more spun them me.

I hate how someone can be a fully functioning alchoholic and no one makes a big deal of it, but the second they find out that you enjoy crushing up a cpl pills or whatever your poison is you are treated like dirt and scum.

My family is all practically dead because of a random old guy, drives a towncar and your saying its not the time. It wasnt his time to be caught, maybe he was muurdered either way hes gone.

Its not every week we ship this mcuh food at once, may seem qite awkward, I dnot mind the

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