So I am drying out, Im finally fed up with these pathetic life style, Im laid off work so I have ALOT of time to think and it all comes down to get off the fucking pills. So I made it through friday til now and I am more determined to get clean then I have been with anything in a long fucking time, maybe my whole life.
So I have been sitting here wallowing in my own despair about being alone and coming out of this I still will be. That is once again one of the selfish acts I attribute, thinking of myself but not thinking about all my actions that caused so much heartache.. I lost my soulmate how do you go forward from that.
You loved me unconditionally and I lied, I didnt give you what you desired and honestly what you deserved. The 5+ years we spent together sure I may have made them hard for us, with me dealing and getting addicted to opiates, to people kicking down our door and robbing us during the middle of the day, but you were there for me through it all.
You repayed me by surprising me with a beautiful tat of my name on you which I still tear up when I look at pictures of it and think if its still on you or is my name crossed. I look at your name tatted on my wrist and think of the shit I put you through, what you stood by and forgave me over and over again.
I thought I was being punished and it was so unfair because of a stupid fight that I completely exploded on you because we finally got on methadone and got off pills and all I could think of is how bad I want to shoot up, so I take it out on you. Honestly that day is a haze, I blacked it out, I remember the fight being over smokes or something me wanting them then next I remember being escorted by THE FUCKING POLICE to Jays truck.
I knew when I pulled up with Jay and your Brother and Father were at our place cause in your desperation out of fear you called them, fear of me. I put my arms around your throat and threatened you. From this point on I accept that calling the police and your parents was a way out.
A way to get away from my lies and my selfish rash behaviour even though it hurt you cause you loved me so much, you never did anything wrong to me and I took you for granted the entire time. I dont deserve to have you in my life and losing our dog is my sentence for my anguish I caused you.
I thought in a cpl weeks from now maybe I would be clean and maybe you would have faith in me and us again cause I finally took control of my life and got clean, well Im taking control by letting you live your life without these wieghts holding you down.
Live your dreams, stay clean and be the amazing person that we both know you are. Dont take shit from any guy like you did with me, you should be worshipped not tormented. Dont trust everyone but know that not everyone is as dark as I was, I can only hope I learn from these mistakes and in time move on and can be happy not that I feel like i deserve it.