I’m sure we’re on familiar terms when i say, i’ve never done this before.. it refers to so many things in life’s journey.
I’ve never lived on my own… I’ve never been in love… i’ve never won the lottery… ha! I mean, i’ve done them now, but there’s so many things in life i’m still yet to learn.
It’s been nearly 8 months since my youngest child’s father took his own life… Never in a million years did i ever see this lesson coming my way! But i have 2 children whom depend on me. How can i break down now, i just have to keep on going! I’ve always been one of those people, who reminds myself to always count my blessings instead of dwelling the things i can not change. But my God i wish i could turn the clocks back.. even it was just to say ‘Hello’ back and let him know how much of a great father he was.
It wasn’t left on good terms after we broke up, and i moved on really quickly, baring in mind this was after a long time and many attempts of trying to make it work between us, but it really wasn’t easy. I tried, and so did he in the end, but it was just too late for me. I was ready to give up! And i did! I never stopped him seeing our son, they loved each other so much. But for me, it was different, the love had faded and i was ready to take the gamble of living life in the arms of another man. Of course at first i was very apprehensive, but i just kept thinking to myself, why would i walk away from someone who ticked all the boxes. On the other hand, i was ready to walk away from someone who i once loved, and who became my family.
The last time we saw each other was at the end of January 2015. He was arrested and unexpectedly sent to prison for 6 weeks. He really wasn’t built for that, and i by no means wanted him there either. When he was released, he made contact with me but i told him to go through the right channels instead of breaching his conditions. It became apparent that he wasn’t ready to give up just yet.. but the fight in me was over. I just wanted him to sort himself out and be happy, be there for our son!
He didn’t know i had met someone else, until he contacted a friend of mine who after speaking with me, told him i had moved on and he was wasting his time. It devastated him and threatened to hurt himself. No one thought he would do it, but I immediately contacted a family member of his to go and check on him, and i heard nothing back. Thankfully he was ok!
It wasn’t until April, we finally made arrangements through the solicitors, his brother would come to collect the baby and he would have him every other weekend. It was so nice. I asked how he was getting on, and i was told he was doing well and that made me feel happy.
A few weeks had gone by, regular contact was being made, it wasn’t perfect of course, but it was so important that my son had contact with his Daddy. One day, just before May bank holiday, it was a Friday, and his brother was unable to collect the baby from me, so i took a cab with my brother around to his mum’s house. It was getting on for 10 minutes and she still hadn’t come to the door. Seconds later, for the first time since January, Daniel came running round the corner. He looked straight at me as i sat in the back of the cab. “Alright” he said as he nodded his head towards me.. but i just looked at him with a blank expression and put my head down without saying a word. My brother was holding the baby at the front door and he and Daniel shook hands and made small talk, having a laugh with each other. Daniel kept glancing over to me, as i was with him, but neither of us said a word.
My baby was due home Sunday, but it was bank holiday Monday so he spent an extra day with his Daddy and came home to me later that evening.
Wednesday morning i had a visit. It was from his brothers wife, we wasn’t on good terms and i thought she was coming to make amends. I invited her up and we sat in the front-room. It was in that moment she told me Daniel had taken his own life…
…It’s been 8 months already, and i’ve just been pushing myself on, throwing myself in to my children and work.. any moment i have alone, scares me.. thoughts come running through my mind.. it’s not easy you know, i’ve never done this before!!!
And so here i am, for the first time, putting this out there.. maybe this is helping me come to terms, who knows.. i’ve never done this before!!!
So many people can say it was selfish of him, and i would agree.. in fact, i’ve probably experienced all the emotions possible towards him.. anger, hurt, guilt, love, regret, but i’m still waiting for peace to surface… i know, it’s not going too..
I’m frightened to think of what our baby will endure as he grows up. It’s just not fair! What will i say, how will i say it? Will i tell him the truth?? Should i tell him the truth? and if so, when? It’s not easy you know, i’ve never done this before!!