Illusions vs. Delusions

So I have been feeling a little out of sorts lately – lonely actually. I feel like I felt just before I met Shane. I mean everything else in my life is OK so why should I feel this way? I have a job – not the best or highest paying – but for now it pays the bills. I have 6 beautiful pets that I love to the moon and back. I have a place to call my own (even if it is rented). It is spacious and clean and comfortable. I have money in the bank. I can buy what I want. Well I suppose, I want a new car but since I have been sequestrated, that is not going to happen until I have been rehabilitated. But on the bright side, I have a car which is fully paid and in good condition. I have a family that knows I exist and loves me unconditionally. And I have my health – not the best again of course but, on the plus side I have lost 20.4 kg’s in a year – not too shabby.   I think what has triggered this bout of loneliness is the fact that I feel better and want to do more but now I have no one to do it with. I am to blame for not being on anyone’s call list. I alienated a lot of people when I was married to Shane. I was so unhappy most of the time so when he died, I was so happy to have my own time, my own space, my own – pretty much everything. I selfishly guarded myself and my emotions from people and I suppose looking back it was kind of detrimental to my social life.  Last week, I slept with “K” again (once in 2007, once in 2013 and now)…….., but he is now a married man – shame on me (and him) – but we have always been attracted to each other. Lately I have had no self esteem – especially since I have put on so much weight since year 2000 – and it plays havoc with one’s emotions. I also believe that this is why I am feeling so down too because I know what men want and they don’t want a 39 year old widow who is fat. Men want trophies. Yes, I am generalising but that is the first thing anyone sees. I am trying my utmost to feel better about myself and my weight issue and some days it doesn’t perturb me in the least and other days it blows my confidence right out of the water. The sad part is I watch so many romantic movies and I think to myself (and cry until it hurts physically) how I would love to be loved. And when I sleep with “K” it is good, ok I am lying, it is mediocre, a tad boring, but it is some sort of connection. And that feeling lasts one day and goes away. “K” is not interested in me as a person – I get that he is married and all – but the fact that he hasn’t contacted me since (I sent him a message though) leaves a really sour taste in my mouth and shows that I am nothing special. If he wanted me, he would have at least sent a message,  expressed his excitement at seeing me or even arranged the next get-together.  But I can almost guarantee that when he contacts me again, I will probably take him up on his offer – as boring as the sex might be and knowing that deep down I am just a stress reliever for him and nothing else. I want passion from a man. Maybe even a woman? Some sort of connection would be wonderful. Now my physic says “get off your butt and get out there” but how? With no confidence, being fat, and alone, how does one “get out there”?  I compare my life with others and I wonder some days where the hell I went wrong? Did I somehow choose the wrong path(s)? I yearn and ache for the chance to have a child. I curse Him for not blessing me with a little baby to call my own. I curse Shane too. I curse the day I met him. The day I chose to get involved with him. The day I married him. I curse him almost every day since he died. Oh, some days I don’t even think of him. But the days I do, my thoughts are never pleasant. Can someone miss someone but still hate their guts? I wish I could tell him that he was the worst decision I ever made and that I wish I had never met him. I know we did have some good times and I did love him, but for the all the crap that I have had to endure since meeting him and even since he died, it has diminished every shred of that so called “love” feeling. I know marriage and relationships are never a bed of roses and I also believe I wasn’t innocent either, but I do know that inherently I am a good and loving person that was broken on a daily basis into pieces of me, a shadow of who I could’ve become. I blame myself too because I let it happen. I allowed another person to obliterate my dreams and goals and everything I wanted to achieve. I have heard my mom and dad say “move on”. Yeah. OK. Move on. Easily said. I hate that people think they have the right to judge and pass comment. It’s easier when you are sitting on the other side. Not so easy when you are sitting slap bang in the middle of the crap. I do make it sound like I am holding a lot of resentment and anger – and I suppose I am – but I know that every word, every action, every non-action, every gesture, every look, every thing, has changed me and is now a part of me. Why should I let it go? It has made me stronger. It has made me resolute. Jaded – oh hell yes. Harder – oh definitely. Eyes wide open – absolutely. And I wouldn’t let it go even if it bit me in the ass.  Doesn’t sound like the romantic of earlier now does it? Of course not. I am the eternal optimist, I’ll admit. I hope that one day, that someone will restore my faith in love and forever. That that someone will do a clean sweep of anger, resentment and pain and replace it with light and love and that the years I spent feeling constrained and pained, will be just a bad dream in another life. Here’s to hoping! And until next time, yours truly, Gillian.

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