So it’s done.
Never in our 16 months of dating did I think that those words would actually come out of my mouth, and hold such a powerful meaning over me. After 5 days of not knowing what was going through the mind of the man that I love(d), I found out his fear, or the bullshit excuse that he is telling me so I get off his case. I thought the closure would help a little bit, at least allow me to be like, “Okay, that makes sense I guess. Let me just move on with my life.” But the thing is, the answer was not something that I wanted to be the reason we are through. I think that the better answer would have been, “I found someone else,” or “I was cheating on you,” or “I wasn’t happy,” but those weren’t the answers. The answer was simply I don’t want to marry you. But wait, when did anyone say anything about marriage? I am 19, have my entire life ahead of me, and we are breaking this up because of something that may or may not happen in the future? Are you fucking kidding me? I am losing the person who I have lived life with for over a year because of something that is years from now, with feelings that change. When I entered the relationship I was not immediately “I am going to marry this man one day.” Now, have the tables turned and now I would love to start a life with him, yes, but for some reason, a reason I will never know the answer to, I am not what he wants with my life and he doesn’t want to “Drag this along for four years when it’s going to end with us being done with each other eventually.” *Insert dagger here*. I kissed him, supposed to be one last kiss and I couldn’t just do one. I wanted to show him how I could love him so strongly and how we could get through this. How this isn’t us, but looking back I think this has been us for awhile, and we both have been trying to mask everything.
It’s easy to do, don’t get me wrong. You love someone, spend everyday, every sleep with them. You give them your innocence, something you can never get back, and all of a sudden all of their flaws and all your dreams and aspirations change for this person. Your goals and their goals seem to conveniently match up, when in reality it isn’t convenience, but rather sacrifice. And the cycle of sacrifice continues, and when it isn’t reciprocated, pain floods in. And then suddenly, one person sees the relationship for what it is on its worst days, not its majority of days, and its done.
The hardest part is I can’t be mad at him, or hate him. Unlike other exes, he isn’t doing anything wrong but not knowing. He is so unexperienced in the aspect of relationships and not giving up on people that it seems easier to save someone from a pain that he knows all too well from his father leaving. He is hurt, I know that, but he is trying to cover it with jokes and smiles, but he can’t look me in the eye and tell me all of this.
My dad thinks that this isn’t over yet. At the end of the day I will not know if he really loves me, or if he ever loved me. But what I do know is that he is confused, and hurt I guess. I know that he made mistakes, but I also know that I had my fair share of mistakes. So will we get back together? I don’t know, and honestly at this point I don’t know what I would want. I want him, and I love him, but things definitely would need to change. I am clearly hurt because this is all so confusing, but it has allowed me to look at the past couple of months and see that maybe the whole time something was wrong that we just kept trying to cover up with “how much we loved each other.”
For now, its time for me to move on. Put on my big girl pants and walk through the school ready to turn heads again (like Dedrick Lee put so kindly). I am confident, somewhere down inside. But most importantly, I am ready to discover who i am without him. I think I put so much control of my identity into him, and that was a mistake I will never make again with any man that I love. I only felt beautiful to him, good enough for him; and now with him gone my entire existence is brought into question and confusion because I don’t know how to be an individual without him. I will never know truly what he is thinking, but I can sure try, and make myself miserable. So here is to the year of the best me, the year of focusing on what is good for me, and if he is, he will find his way back.
My advice for all you women and men out there that are trying to figure out what you want, don’t leave the person that is fighting for you in the dark. At the end of the day, what they want doesn’t matter, it matters what you want. If you can’t determine that, then don’t drag them along. Because sooner or later months turn into years, kisses turn into sex, I like you turns into I love you, and a small crush becomes a life with someone. If this love is strong you shouldn’t feel weak, you shouldn’t feel broken.
We’ve got this.