Does anyone get that feeling…. that feeling in your gut . That slithering voice in your head..and that pain in your heart. The feelings not going away. It sticks to me ..gooey and overly sweet and rip. Sometimes i wonder if other people see it too. Can they see how miserable i am? Do they notice the ”thing” riding on my shoulders. Lurking silver behind my brown eyes. . Whispering to me. Telling me hurtful things. Telling me i’ll never be:
‘’…not smart enough’’
”.. kind enough”
”..a selfish bitch”
”…dumb as a sack of bricks”
”..deserves whatever comes my way”
that i’ll never be:
‘’ GOOD ENOUGH’’
Yeah that’s it. That’s my biggest fear. That being ME was never good enough. That the people i love the most ..don’t give a fuck. That they’ll be better off without me . ”They dont need you” the voice says. What good have you done any one. Has you living made a difference for anyone? ”
Sometimes i wanna cry myself to sleep at night but no tears fall. Have i used them all up?I take a deep breath. Wash my face with cold water. Focus! Keep calm! Keep steady! Dont break! Don’t let it get to you!
”Why are you doing this to me.?Why are you saying this!? What have i ever done to you?!” i say voice small.
The voice laughs. ” Silly girl, I’m only saying what you would never say out loud. You know it’s true. Deep down ..you know..”
And i shake my head. Throw things , curse and scream….
Watch the world through glazed eyes. I’ve broken.
”Your lieing. Why should I believe you!.” I say tears finally falling . Like shards of broken glass slicing threw my cheeks . Cutting down to my chin..exposing the pain i’d cared for so long. It defines every detail of my face. The curve of my lips. My hair. My skin. My eyes. Me. Like looking into a mirror .
”Becouse i’m you”
And then all of a sudden theres no more broken glass. No voice . Everything rewinds. I’m just sitting on the cold floor ,crying with my head in my hands….