I guess this is some kind of conclusion to my weird none existent love life, the name of this journal doesn’t make any sense or mean anything, but I like the sound of it. So right, there’s a girl, and well we’re literally close as can be, she’s my best friend and I hers, but well I guess I’ve only got myself to blame, when I fell for her.
The story goes we were at a party last night, she looking absolutely stunning as always(I kid you not, I was genuinely stunned), well the friend who’s party it was, she’s a friend of ours who had moved away, so it was a strange mix of people at said party, and before the night I had decided that I was gonna try and hold back on the alcohol. So what happened was she looking beautiful as ever was being hit on by guy after guy at the party, and that really ruined my night, seeing these guys who all make me feel pretty inadequate trying their way with her. As this happened I decided “fuck it” and started drinking, anything I could, anything to drown the pain away.
About halfway through the night she cam over seeing me slumped up on a chair drink in my hand, looking fairly out of it, and she asked how I was, and well I tried to brush her off, saying that I was fine, but it was evidently clear that I wasn’t and really she knew why, she knows how I feel about her and she went on to say how none of these other guys matter, and that she cares more for me than any of the others, and although this should’ve put me at ease, I don’t know, I was scared still.
Later on in the evening I was approached by some of my other mates and we had a really deep and meaningful conversation about our failed love lifes, and well it was awkward because one of those who I was talking to felt a similar way towards the same girl, but nevertheless some people told us to move on. Then this absolutely crazy suggestion came up where a mate of mine, told me that I need to confront her (as if i haven’t tried that before) and what he really said was that I should just go for the kiss and if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t I wouldn’t be in a much worse position than before.
After this suggestion I went off and sat alone for awhile, thinking, running these ideas through my head, I mean realistically I can’t move on as such, I love her and I have for as long as I can remember so really I don’t know why but I guess I went for some weird iteration of the confrontation idea. So I proceeded to invite her outside with me and she cam along, and I began by telling her in all honesty I’m not okay, I told her again how beautiful she is and how seeing other guys trying to make there move on her was really tearing me apart. I told her how over the last two years I’ve met around a hundred girl maybe more and that none of them come anywhere close to her, how she is just the most amazing person. I told her that I don’t blame them because if you saw a girl as beautiful as her you’d definitely try your luck, and I told her that I don’t blame her for how I feel, I told her that it’s really my fault and really that’s what I get for falling for just the most amazing person ever. And what happened was we just hugged for a bit, and then she said how she doesn’t want any relationship now, and it’s not just me, that it’s to everyone and then she started to cry, and she said how her friendship with others have broken down when they’ve gone out, and I told her that won’t happen with me, and she went on about how she needs me and she can’t risk losing that, and I insisted that it wouldn’t happen with me, nothing could keep me from her. We then hugged for awhile and I took out a tissue to wipe the tears off her face and I told her that, I don’t need anything right now, but I need to know whether I’ll ever have a chance and then some other people came outside and we were interrupted, and then in a sort of joking-ish manner I told her about my friends crazy idea that we should kiss, to see whether there is that there and as it happens we were interrupted once again and the people who came outside a minute ago, ushered us back in to dance. So that’s my story.
After the party my mate who also feels for the same girl, just kind of sulked for awhile and then just sped off home, really feel sorry for him, and probably should check up on him sometime today. On the way home I was walking with another friend and what he said was that me being hung up over her is unfair on her and on me, because I’m preventing myself from finding anyone and I’m preventing other people from getting with her, and I told him about how I think I’ve fallen too deep for her. Maybe something will change when I meet someone else, but till then if that ever happens, I’m stuck breaking my heart over this girl.
Not that I expect many people to read this and probably not all of it even if you do, but if you have any words of wisdom, that would really help, or maybe I’ll just ignore it, being my naive, stubborn self. But really please comment on this it would be nice to know that someone is at least reading my story.