My father

Ah where do I start? Just calling him my father feels strange because that’s not how I think of him. A father looks after his kids, helps raising them and in the best of worlds, sets a good role model for them. My father did neither of these things. When I was 3, the affair he had been having with another woman for a long long time was finally revealed and it ended up in my parents divorcement.

Now, I personally despise cheaters. So for that I would probably always have been a bit disappointed with him but I still think we could have had a meaningful relationship had he wanted to. He didn’t. He ditched us, his real family and went on to live with the other woman and her kids. Took them in as his own and treated them to everything us, his biological children should have had. Over the years he would keep sporadic contact with us and sometimes even visit but it was never more than that. He knew nothing about me. Neither what interests I had, nor the names of the people I called my friends. Not like he would have cared if I even had friends in the first place.

Time and again he showed me that he could not be trusted and that he would lie and cheat his way through anything. Rather than a role model, he became someone I strived to be the opposite of in every single way. As time passed by I grew numb to him. He became less and less important up to the point where it could go half a year without neither one of us calling to say hello.  I no longer needed him or even wanted him to be a part of my life. I’m a hundred times the man he will ever be.

I thought that this was it and that we could live separate lives apart from each other but in his later years he has started regretting us being on such bad terms. The problem is he doesn’t regret any of his own actions. He merely feel sorry for himself and is probably afraid of ending up very lonely as he grows older. Any blame he will push on my mother. It’s always someone elses fault. I’m sure he could even come up with a nice story of how he was driven to cheat for years on end and leave us behind if I gave him the chance.

I’m not going to do that however. Here’s the thing “dad” – you reap what you sow and if you treat someone like crap and ignore them for years on end, how do you think they are going to respond to that? You taught me to be numb to you. You taught me that our relationship doesn’t matter. But most importantly of all; You deprived me of the love, reassurance and stability that any child should get from their parents. And for that I will never forgive you. Neither will I ever forgive or accept your wife who has always made it her mission to drive a wedge between us (as if it was even needed).

I regret that you have had an influence on me. I think that you are partly the reason for my emotional issues and that I find it so hard to wind up in meaningful long term relationships with people, no matter whether they are friends or lovers. Unfortunately I’m not sure how to go about correcting things. I already tried talking to you. It’s of no use and I won’t waste any more time trying to explain the impact of your own actions when you are clearly unable to realize any of it. I’ve been angry at you. Letting the anger out didn’t help much either.

Perhaps the first step is doing what I just did, accepting that for better and worse you played a part in my life.

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