Lately I’ve realized that I can’t keep running from my problems. With a lot going on around it’s been easier to ignore & suppress problems and tragic memories rather than dealing with them. Up until very recently I didn’t even think I needed to deal with any of it but I know better now. Hopefully I can use this journal for that purpose.
The thing about me is that I only have two emotional modes (and thus the analogue with Pandoras box). When the box remains closed and when there are no emotional attachments, I’m fine. I can remain stable, strong and extremely self-sufficient. But whenever the box is opened which is inevitable from time to time, it all comes out at the same time. Anger, sorrow, love, hatred, insecurities. I get unstable and find it very hard to keep my cool. To deal with all of that at the same time… it’s almost impossible. Naturally my ways of handling emotions is not a healthy one and that’s what I’m hoping to be able to change.
I’ve written down some events and memories that I think I never dealt with properly at the time and that I believe might be crucial to face in order to get somewhere. I don’t plan to write about them in a chronological order but rather bring them up when I feel the need to. Some of them I might even return to multiple times. Still, seeing as my fathers departure at the age of 3 was the first more traumatic incident that occured, it seems fitting to start with that. As much as I hate talking about him or acknowledging he has had some sort of impact on my life, I can’t deny the truth