This is probably a topic I will return to every now and then seeing as I don’t have anyone to discuss it with so I need to make sense of it myself. I’ve spent over 4 years in solitude now by choice, avoiding any romantic or sexual interactions and that sure has left me with a lot of time to think things through. Too many lonely nights to be honest.
I think one of my problems is that I find it hard to trust people. Trust is a difficult thing. To trust someone and open up to them, one really has to feel that they are sincere. That they want to get to know the real you and that they are ready to deal with any shortcomings or flaws. In my experience that rarely happens. Most of the people are only interested in little bits of who you are. They want to cherry pick among the goodies and then how much easier isn’t it to just lock away the rest and never even bother letting them see it? On the off chance that a person actually is interested in the whole picture, it’s still going to be a struggle for me. Will they lose their interest when they find out X about me? Is this just a temporary thing and will they still be here once the novelty value is gone? Etc etc.
Another issue I recently came to realize is that I seem to have always gone for the wrong women. The bad girls. It was never on a conscious level. I guess I’ve just been attracted to what I can relate to – people with emotional issues, people who also had a difficult childhood, people who has lived a different type of life and that knows that sometimes the pain needs to be numbed by any possible means. The problem is that many of them are out of control. I had moments I’m not proud of but I worked hard over the years to change things for the better and live a more positive life. I can’t get sucked down into that dark dangerous sinkhole again. It doesn’t lead anywhere good.
But it’s not only a matter of poor choices but also the fact that I never seem to find any decent girls. There ought to be many of them but where are they? The ones who will be there through thick and thin? I don’t ask for much. I don’t want a model. I don’t have unrealistic expectations women should live up to. I just want someone who’s nice, caring, compassionate and whom I can share a good laugh with. I know I can be a good boyfriend. I’m not perfect in any way but I have a lot to give, I just need patience.
I sometimes read these posts online from women about their boyfriends and what they feel for them. How they’ve made such a big impact on their lives. How they mean everything to them and how they are ready to fight for the relationship if necessary. I’d like to one day have someone feel that way about me. And I would like to feel the same way in return. To have someone matter so much to me. That would be nice.