Alone with your feelings

I miss the fellowship… it’s hard to explain and if you’re actually reading this I apologize. It’s probably not something you’d be able to understand. It’s just me giving into what most of society would assume to be a delusion. I can try to explain the madness and the insanity, but at the end you’d just doubt me and that is something my heart can not take right now.

The easiest thing for me to be honest about is this – I’m an empath. That means that I experience the feelings of others through a connective process (speech, touch, close relationships, etc.). I feel their feelings as if they are my own. I can not distinguish what is actually me or some one else. Others near me might see me burst into tears or giggle which can occur at highly inappropriate times. It happens when some one connected with me experiences a very powerful emotion.

On the day of the Paris terror attacks I was very unsettled. I keep telling the man no one has the right to end someone else’s life. I didn’t know what kept making me say that. It didn’t pertain to anything going on in my life and yet I was scared, sad, and angry. I found out that night about the attacks and when I calculated the time zone difference it was exactly when I had my “anxiety” attack.

My mood can effect the mood of others with no verbal or physical output. My emotions leak into the air. If I had a bad day at work everyone experiences my tension when I walk in my front door even if I don’t reflect my mood. For the good and well being of those I love, it’s imperative that I always stay positive.

Sometimes people “hear” my thoughts. They know the exact phrase I’ll think in my head even if I said nothing in reality. I really despise this phenomenon. My thoughts should be just for me especially if I never intended to vocally utter them.

I could go on and on about my peculiar quirks. I use to belong to an online community connecting me to people like me. There ended up being too much drama so I dropped it like a bad habit. Days like today make me wish that I hadn’t. I miss feeling like a drop in the oddball ocean. In my isolation I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I’m forced to keep this part of me hidden for fear of violent scrutiny.

 

2 thoughts on “Alone with your feelings”

  1. While I wouldn’t call myself an empath, I can relate in ways to what you are describing. I always had an uncanny ability to pick up on peoples moods and what vibes they are sending out. People has joked about me knowing how they feel even better than themselves – this would probably be an exaggeration but it is true that many times, I know before they do if something is up. I suppose I am affected by it to some degree but I don’t truly experience their emotions myself. I have however experienced telepathic communication a number of times.

    Was it the acceptance and feeling as if you could fit in that meant the most to you as far as belonging to that community goes? Have you considered returning there?

    I am fortunate to have a family member experiencing similar things like I do. Much like in your case I have many other “quirks” and that allows me to have someone to discuss them with. But other than that I live a very isolated life. In my case with time I have come to accept this as a part of myself and control it to some degree. Probably not in an ideal way as I have some emotional problems and seem to either feel very cold & detached or on the flipside get overly emotional. Seems like the less emotions I experience, the less open I am to these sorts of things. But anyways. Meditation can be a useful tool for some people. I find that not only does it clear the mind and allow oneself to see things more clearly but it can also be a help towards learning to control and shut out things you do not wish to experience. If people can pick up on your mood and your thoughts that easily it seems like you may want to learn how to hold back some of that.

    There’s some stigma around these sorts of discussions but I hope you continue writing about your experiences as I find it very interesting to read!

  2. I really liked the online community for a few reasons. The biggest reason was that there I could freely talk about all my “gifts” and not only did people believe me, they had walked in my shoes. Another advantage was that through others I was able to learn, perfect, and grow my “quirks”. It’s just like a muscle if I want it to grow and strengthen it I need to use it.

    I avoid the community now because there’s a lot of drama there and rumours. The best way to describe it is a forum filled with energy leechers. I also hated the hierarchy system the site used.

    I’d rather find a new community that isn’t as dark or negative. I’d like to find people who keep a more positive attitude.

    I have a sister who has quirks like mine. We both have precognition (the ability to tell the future). We both are telepathic, especially with each other. She is a medium, she can see and hear the “dead”. I can not. She is not an empath, but I am. Unfortunately, I don’t talk to my sister. Let’s just say she is in many ways, my very worst enemy.

    I also meditate, usually twice a day, however sometimes I “space out” as if I had adhd or something. I have found that my trances are more like a micro-mediatation.

    For the most part I have my quirks under my control rather than them controlling me, but of course I have the occasional slip up 🙂

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