Tonight, I am drowning.

It’s hard to know where to start. I know I’m supposed to take time out every day to just write and start getting things out of my head and off my heart. It’s supposed to start to help me process. I’m supposed to write about my thoughts, my feelings, angers, letters, anything. It’s hard to even know where to start though… There’s so much I want to say, so much I want to know. I just want to know why. I just want to know how you could do that… 

I think that I am so sick of being upset, so sick of crying, so sick of being numb. I feel as if almost I avoid facing everything and just try to ignore everything so that it doesn’t hurt as much. So I don’t cry as much. I’m so sick of being hurt by you, I don’t want you to be hurting me anymore. I’m so sick of the fake “I’m okay” or “I’m fine” every day. I just want someone to ask me and me to be able to genuinely say that “I’m good”. I hate you for taking away my happiness, my true joy. I hate you for what you did. 

I’ve always thought that I’m not angry, and I don’t think I am. I’m hurt. I’m so confused. I feel like I wasted a year. I mean, who lies and flawlessly fakes having cancer? Who does that? Why did you do it? That’s truly all I wanna know. Why you did it… I almost feel like it’s my fault. My fault for believing you. I shouldn’t have trusted you. But how would I have known? I still can’t wrap my head around it all. It still doesn’t seem real. I’m not sure it will ever feel real. It’s hard to know that it’s over. Hard to know that you truly did what you did and that you’re gone. Sometimes I miss you, I miss what we had. But then I hate myself for missing it all. Because I don’t want to miss you. 

I trusted you with things that I have never trusted anyone with. I feel like not only did I lose a person that I lost, but I lost a best friend. I lost someone I turned to, someone I talked about everything with. You were someone I told everything to, something happened and I told you. I sometimes find myself wanting to tell someone something, and I’m reminded that you’re no longer here. I’m reminded of what you did. I don’t know what to do anymore, I truly don’t. I don’t want you in my thoughts, in my mind. I want you gone forever… What am I supposed to do? There’s been people who tell me to just move on. To just get over it. But it’s not that easy. I can’t just push aside the trauma and grief you caused me. It doesn’t work like that. I’m so broken, I’m so damaged. I used to be so trusting, I always saw the best and never doubted. Now, it’s so hard for me to trust. You took that away from me. You made me feel loved and cared for, and now you’ve just left me confused. And I hate you for that. I hate you for what you did to me, for who you turned me into… I just want to be who I used to be, but sadly, I know that won’t be happening. And that really sucks. You really messed with me. I just hate that it doesn’t make sense. I just feel so much pain. So. Much. Pain. My chest hurts, my whole body hurts. I physically feel the brokenness. But I just do too well at pretending, at putting on a brave face. People don’t even know. And maybe that causes the pain to be worse. Cause not only am I hurting, but I’m hurting alone. And sometimes I hate to think that tomorrow is a new day. I know that’s supposed to be a good thing. But that means another day that I have to avert my mind and pretend to be okay. And that sucks. I feel like I can’t face another day, like I can’t handle another day of pretending to be okay and faking a smile. I honestly feel like I can never be whole again. I am too broken, too shattered. I am so broken and so bruised, yet everyday I put on my makeup, do my hair, plaster on a smile and go out the door, because I have to, and that’s just who I am. 

They say that grief comes in waves. But, tonight I am drowning… 

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