I haven’t written in a couple months and as I expected the relief I felt from my last doctor’s visit was very short-lived. The dull back pain is still there nearly constantly and I am also pretty much always dealing with slight pain in my upper right inner thigh as well as my upper left inner thigh. My right leg feels like it’s going numb (but not entirely) when i run a couple miles.
I also have what looks like a small canker sore (or ulcer) on my upper gum. I first noticed this about a week ago and it is not going away so far. I desperately want to stop worrying constantly about my death. I feel like I am going crazy and am either very deeply depressed and doing this to myself psychologically or there is something truly wrong with me physically. I have such a hard time accepting that my back and leg pain is simply the result of sore muscles and I just cannot stop imagining that I have some type of oral cancer.
I am self-employed and terribly lazy. It has been dark and cold lately and I find myself going to very dark places mentally. I think it’s time to accept that I might be actually clinically depressed. I took Lexapro for a few months on two occasions and really did not see much improvement. I also have tried finding a good counselor lately but am conflicted about how to go about doing that and so desperately do not want to be someone who deals with depression on and off for the rest of my life.
The hardest part of all of this is that I am really beginning to question my faith in God. I have never really had real doubts until now and I think that is the most frightening aspect of all of it. I am desperate for God and need to know that He is here.