Sometimes it seems like the whole world really doesn’t give a crap what happens to you. You could be on the verge of a breakdown and no one would even lift a finger to help you. You might try talking to people, try explaining how you feel and you can just see it in their eyes that they don’t understand and can’t relate. Maybe all you wanted was a “sorry to hear that” and a few minutes of their time. Instead you get nothing or even worse, they’ll try to make it seem as if you don’t have any real problems or they’ll go for that “oh I know what it’s like cause I experienced something completely unrelated to this” attitude and you ask yourself what that even has to do with things.
This is why (aside from what I write in this journal) I usually never open up to people. When I eventually open up to people, when I give them a taste of the bad things, they disappear. They only want the happy easy going personality. Once it’s not all about that anymore they’re gone. So I’ve been called an emotional rock and people getting to know me find it hard to get close to me or under my skin. Yeah no wonder.
I have been doing some complaining in my journal about people. I am however not a hypocrite. I haven’t been an angel myself. I have done mistakes, I have hurt people, there has been times when I neglected people etc. But rarely have I turned anyone down when they really needed me and never if I considered them close or they were family. That’s beyond shitty to me. I have spent a lot of time trying to support people and help them out. Some people I’ve done so much for that they could never return the favours. I tried so hard with my ex just to mention one person. I really wanted her to feel well and for us to be happy. All the hours I spent listening, talking and encouraging her, the times I called the ambulance when she had tried to kill herself, the love & support I gave etc.
I just wish that for once, someone could do something like that for me. Go to some lengths to help me out when I need it, show me they can be trusted and won’t disappear the minute I start relying on them. Say some nice things about me. Be here for me. Love me. You would get no less in return from me.
It just seems so hard to find anyone like that. I can make do on my own but honestly yeah it would be nice to be able lean on someone for a bit every now and then.