Don’t get me wrong when I say I really love my life – I do. Sometimes I feel it is lacking adventure though. I’m living in my childhood hometown and each time I even think of moving – the first thing I do is get excited about it – then think of having to move my son away from a familiar environment and my heart just aches.
Even though I know kids (especially younger kids) bounce back quick and are able to make friends, etc., it still just keeps me frozen and almost obligated to stay put. So to speak.
But when I see other people who are living these awesome lives in different places or traveling a lot or doing the things they love I just feel so BORING. I work a day job and though the work itself is rewarding and all and it’s in my field it doesn’t feel that thrilling because lets be real it’s a call center job.
And we live in the midst of suburbia – now I embrace my suburban roots it’s what I”m used to – but I could go for even a little more pizazz or flavor in my life. Sure, there are many little things about where I’m living that I like BUT the main reason we are here is for our family. Be it support with the kiddo or just our own contact. But is family really the WHOLE reason for being somewhere? I’m starting to think it isn’t.
My husband knows it’s not enough for him and we both know if we didn’t have family here, we’d already have moved away.
I am also always on and off again with getting stuck in a continual working rut. One minute feeling great settling into my job and the mostly stress free nature of it. Then something comes along and shakes me up and boom my job suddenly feels stressful all over again and I have this overwhelming realization that I was about to settle and not push myself to my fullest potential.
I have always imagined this cool life – this artistic, confident, sure, womanly version of myself and I don’t feel as though I’m living that life yet. I don’t feel it in my career or in the area I live in. I think it comes from not having enough time for self-exploration and just being on my own – really on my own as an adult with my family. I mean I don’t at all downplay the importance of family but I also don’t want to live my whole life being only half satisfied and styaing for all the wrong reasons.
I also know my family isn’t staying here for me – sure some of my siblings may say that but I don’t think, if push came to shove, that’s what would shake out if they had an opportunity to move. Add to that family complicated relationships and it really doesn’t seem like enough to stay. I mean, not that I’d be leaving out of anger, it’d be sad of course, which is why I’m still here. But I don’t think it’s enough for me. I have a sister who is angry, all the time. She puts on a good game face like she’s just fine. But she’s angry or always wants to pick a fight or always wants to one up someone. It’s exhausting. I know she has anger toward me, though there’s a million things it could be about – some of which is projection onto me when she’s really angry at herself.
Not that I’m perfect, far from it, I know. But you know how these weird human quircks are – it’s easier to make it someone else’s problem. And in some capacity I’m doing that too right now. It’s easier to move away from family if I focus on all the bad things….
Anyway – I keep circling around trying to make something fit or work and I just don’t know what the answer is to feeling so bored. I think part of me settles and I also spend a lot of time worrying about everyone else when clearly they are more worried about others more than me. Or just not as present in my life. It’s easy to get angry about that if I think on it too long – but that’s a rough road to go down.
In the mean time I suppose I’ll just try to find the answers of what I can do to feel good about my life and not feeling soooo bored!