My addiction

When I was 18 I started drinking heavily. It was a problematic time for me – I had very distressing years behind me and ended up in a crappy situation where I was dealing with family issues, a suicidal girlfriend and falling behind badly in school. Alcohol allowed me to relax, unwind and not worry about things or having to face them.

Looking back, I have no idea how I managed to keep my habit concealed for such a long time. I guess it’s true that addicts becomes extremely skilled at doing that. I was either drunk or planning on when I could get drunk again. Location and time didn’t matter. I could be drunk at school. At a relatives birthday party. Among friends or on my own. Day or night. Things got pretty bad for a while. I didn’t have enough money so I resorted to drinking some of the nastiest most revolting stuff you could ever imagine. But hey I didn’t care as long as it got me loaded.

A few times I even feared dying from it. If you have a high tolerance and push yourself into drinking past the stage where you would usually pass out, eventually everything starts slipping away from you. It gets harder to breathe and in my case, a strong sensation that if I fell asleep I wouldn’t wake up again. It was an awful night but I managed to keep myself awake through extreme measures until I finally felt it was safe to pass out.

I think most of the people that resorts to drinking and doing drugs wouldn’t have had to in the first place had things been different. If there hadn’t been so much on my plate to deal with. If I had have more supportive people around me. Someone to sit down & talk to me. Or just give me a hug. The substance is the only thing you can trust will be there for you but at the same time it’s also your archenemy.

Eventually someone did find out to what extent I was hooked on the stuff and had a long hard talk with me. It opened my eyes and gave me the strength to quit. I was fortunate in ways for my withdrawal was never that bad and neither did I feel much of an urge to start drinking again. I abstained from drinking or using any pills (I had also had some pills prescribed like xanax etc). During that time my mentality around these sorts of things really changed. I appreciated being sober and experiencing life to the fullest extent instead of walking around in some haze.

I think that mentality change is what has kept me on the right track throughout this time and up until now, almost 7 years later, without a single relapse. I can drink occassionally and take meds as required but that’s it. I don’t ever want to fall back into those habits again. Still, as much as I trust myself, I also realize it is wise to tread carefully around these sorts of things. Like many other ex-addicts can probably agree with, alcohol and drugs has a dark dangerous allure to them. In fact everyone should really be careful regardless of if you have a past history with that stuff or not.

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