11 weeks sober..
I have seen a lot in 33yrs. Good, bad, loss.. Maybe some can identify, or relate. Or maybe I can help others.
I have learned a lot about myself. Though the “self-imagined bullshit” from others that they created still surrounds me, I get through it. And I still stand here with open arms. It’s just a test of how fucking strong I really am. Time is running out however on my patience. Myself, my son and my dog, didn’t do anything to deserve all of this childish behavior. If people want to lose their mind and self destruct, we are not going down with them.
I continue with my nightly meetings. I work my ass off. I see a one on one counselor weekly. Whatever it takes to keep doing what I’m doing. Now that the “cob webs” are out of my head, and with the help I receive where I can talk about things. I realize how toxic someone was; In their own controlling, narcissistic way. Maybe they don’t even see it themselves. The “extremist” in them.. Nothing ever good enough.. Always wanting more.. Happiness hurts them.. Blaming others in anyway when in fact it was their own imagination running wild. The daily negative mindset they had over material things or not even anything at all.
I can’t change who they are. Its my fault I wasn’t able to see it clearly though while drinking. Otherwise I might have considered a different solution. My heart is still there, and all I wanted to ever do was help. I still do. I was supportive and extremely positive everyday because someone had to be. But I’m not going to feel responsible for their self misery anymore. I can’t be strong for two people anymore emotionally or mentally. Financial stuff is just bullshit. It’s a cop-out. Ya read why relationships fail.. It’s easy to point fingers, for whatever reasons, but ya have to be an adult and actually communicate and “talk” to someone instead of letting yourself decay inside and holding it in.
Truth hurts, it does, but when someone like me is there openly, willingly, daily to help, and you choose not to take it, it’s your problem. It takes a strong person to stay, and work things out.. Or hell even say something.. a weak person runs.. Period. Be brave and talk, it isnt that hard. Blame yourself then, not others. Quit making excuses. Or finding ways to justify whatever they had going on in their own head..
Lately I have been persued by others. I’m flattered by the chasing and wanting of me by others, but it’s not what I want right now. I have my eyes on only one… Just like I had from day one. It’s what I made a life long vow for. Under any circumstance, under any condition, it’s all I ever wanted. I’m stupid to still feel like this, but I believe it’s true love.. I honestly do. All the good and the bad. No one will influence me to think otherwise. From the first day people warned me what was gonna happen and I didn’t listen; that things were just an act. Told me about the past life they lived before meeting me. I wanted to prove them wrong.
In 11 weeks I’ve found to love myself again. I see how amazing I really am. For others around me, and to myself. Compliments I get daily on who I have become shows that im making a difference. I appreciate everything life has to offer. I have my days when I get down, it’s natural. But I say to myself that I’m sober, that’s the most important thing to keep me being successful. I will continue to do so.
I’m getting too old for all of this nonsense. I’m not 23yrs old anymore. I’m a better person today, than I was yesterday. And everyday forward will be the same. I’m positive in my abilities and potential. My heart cares way too much too often. But when I’m done with something I’m done. And it’s getting close to that point.. It’s a huge loss for some. Especially when they know it themselves. The only thing stopping themselves, as always, is themself.
“Follow your heart and not your wallet”
“Open your mind and look at yourself before judging others.”
“your world is about to come crashing down…. the impact will devastate you like you never imagined”