Late night regrets..

   It’s weird how it’s only at nighttime that i miss being in a relationship or knowing someone loves me. I guess it could be explained with Valentine’s day coming soon but i already started to get my hopes down about receiving an anonymous card, a rose or even chocolates.

I really need help with guys right now *sigh*.. I mean it’s not that they don’t like me, it’s just i have the reputation of someone who doesn’t last long and that is true: while one of my friends has been in a relationship for over 5 months now, my maximum is about 3 weeks. I feel like my problem is i can’t love, i just like. God (or however is behind this) has stuck me with a heart that doesn’t work properly : i think a guy is cute, tell myself i love him and then the guy somehow likes me back and i end up breaking his heart. One of my friends just told me my ex is still not over me and even though it’s been around 3 months, he still thinks im amazing. That came in as a shock to me because i couldn’t realize the fact that someone had actually loved me. Even though i preferred bad boys, i always ended up with the sweet, innocent, didn’t-have-his-first-kiss-yet kinda guy. Oh yeah i’m 14 so this may shock you but i’ve been in way more relationships then my 18 y/o sister (which she says is her choice but i still don’t believe her). I have never dated someone from another school (or even hooked up) and i kinda hope that will happen because it just looks so good in the movies… 

I am so tired but i just need to let things out because i am more of the holds-it-til-she-explodes type and no one wants to see me explode. Anyways, i keep trying to make my life like in the movies that i stop caring about what is actually happening : my parents just announced me that we are broke if my sister goes to university (which she will because her only wish since like 5 years is to live the furthest possible from us) so that means no more vacations, i need to get better grades ( this is going to be fun) i need to find a job (tutoring, babysitting?) and no more shopping. This is going to be hard considering the fact that my bestfriend ( quick recap: her parents are divorced, both remarried, lives with her mom, probably will live alone with her mom and older brother while her little half-sister will go back to their country) is becoming prettier and popular everyday and on the contrary, im going down. She, of course, is not aware of this and admitting im jealousy of her even though she has a miserable life at home will be hard to come out. I told her today about my money problems which apparently went right through her because she told me in response about the brand new roots sweatpants she got and how she was going to get 150 $ shoes the next week. 

The worst part is i can’t talk to her about that because im too afraid i will lose her and lately (im talking about the past year) i have been only hanging out with her and my close friends downgraded to just acquaintances while she has several “besties”. Today she had to miss the first hour of lunch we had to have a tutoring session and i barely made it out alive.. I had to go to the library and read all by myself while my long-lost friends were at the cafeteria laughing their heads off and having fun. 

Anyways, i have a presentation tomorrow and i am so not close from being ready considering the fact that i hate presentations because im really shy and hate public speaking. Ughhh the worst part is I have to go to the orthodontist first to tighten my braces which means i won’t be able to talk nor eat anything that isn’t liquid for about 3-4 days. 

This is the first post i have put on public so if you actually took some of your precious time to read, please leave a comment (if you can) to tell me the best way to move to Mexico and get forgotten by everyone thanks that would be appreciated.                   


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