My Freak, My Freedom

at first I wasn’t sure about you
you did all the things I wanted someone else to do
it was astounding and awful, equally
I used to be all about butterflies, chills, magic, and soul mates
I sought out something I couldn’t give to you
and something you couldn’t give to me
a hopeless case from the start
destined for doom
because I sat down for a meal and chose a course I didn’t even want
then expected to want it when the waiter brought it on a silver platter
how amusing
instant disappointment and satisfaction all in one

when I looked at you
like this
on these terms
I wasn’t able to see you
who you are 
and what you are in the placement of my life
all I wanted at the time
was for my broken heart to be mended
by the one who broke it

this is impossible, you see
no matter how the pieces come together
with my old lover
or another
with instant gratification
or long term results
this is impossible to do, you see
without the power of me

the power to choose
and to choose to be free
to be whole
all on my own
even when in pain
and with pleasure, too

but then I began to see
I saw me
which allowed me to see you, too
bit by bit

with you and with me
my freak, I became grateful
assertive but gentle
honest but kind
able and deserving

with every nibble
my freak
every body kiss, body high
directness, openness
every dirty word
every screaming hard orgasm
unapologetic behavior
every raw exchange of energy

with you and with me
my freak, I began to see
my ability to just be
my ability to dwell 
in aliveness
without the need to heal
nor the need to break
without the need to depict the pieces between
admiration and disgust

with you and with me
my freak, I became everything and nothing
a full circle
neither above nor below, an equal part
with this, I was whole
I no longer seek to be mended
I no longer seek to be broke
neither are things I can seek
when they just are what happens, when I am free
when I am okay with me

I let go of my addiction 
to expectation and control
with unspoken expectation it is sure to be met
with disappointment, you see
and how much worse it is to not speak of expectation
but then to have expectation that you yourself
cannot decide or define
to then only cling onto something
that something, something, something 
to find out that something 
isn’t anything 

I used to cling to that which 
I want, I want, I want
but what defeat and what glory
to find
that what I want is nothing
what I want is whatever

no, really, what I want is ‘whatever’
without control
‘whatever’ that shall happen
in the face of easiness
the courage to be at ease
magic and release
relax your brain, relax your muscles, relax your heart
all I want is whatever

with you and because of you
I no longer seek magic 
at least not the kind I used to seek
that wasn’t magic
magic is not expecting 
and control
I no longer seek a false sense of wholeness
magic moments are not magic by will
to be controlled
and dictated to be magical 
magic is only magic when left alone
let to be observed
to be as it is, as magic

with me, I am free
with you, you helped to teach me this
with freedom, magic lies beneath present moments
that’s it, that’s all
it’s not past, not future, it’s now
it’s in a moment, moment, moment
the magic moment is whole
it took my brokenness, it said,
yes. exactly like that
in all your present, in your ‘you,’ all in all, just as you are
I’ll take it, that’s cool 

I became free
with you, I expect none, so I experience all
with you, it is not just you, it is not just me
it is neither of us and it is both of us
with you, I no longer collect addictions
I collect memories
with you, there is eagerness without impatience
with you, there are moments without conditions 
with you, there is no timeline
could be tomorrow, could be today, could be years
with you, there is only now, without could or should 

with you and with me
my freak, you are everything I need
not because I say
but because you just happened to be
I let go, I found me

my freak, my immediate world
my experience, my guard, my guide, my slave, my life — alive and awake, my future memory, my dream, my terror, my instinct, my teacher, my student, my love, my hate, my affection, my attention, my ignorance, my defenses
my inhibited happiness
of nothing
and everything
not a thing more

with you and with me
my freak, I love you like this
for free
I wish you well
as I wish me well
I love to give you this satisfaction
of freedom
as you do to me
as this is-ness is beautiful
my freak, I love you 
for free

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