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In this world…In this life

This isnt my typical thing… putting my thoughts out there but here goes nothing. The thing is i honestly dont understand is why..why am i alive. why is this world the way it is. Growing up i always thought that everyone in the world was a puppet…someone putting these invisible strings on our backs and controlling everything that we do. wither it was going to school. making us go to work. putting a plot in our heads like a script. telling us that this is what we are going to do today. Thinking the ones that have gone to jail are the ones that broke the strings and turning on the puppet master or the one that couldnt take being controlled and end up putting the strings around their necks and jumping off stage. The puppets that are old and no longer worked got put into a box and never got used again. only for a a new puppet to take their place like reincarnation. One hell of an imagination i know. It is kinda sad when your in only 8th grade and you find things pointless {again trying to brake the strings} you tell your teacher that everything is pointless and when you grow up your going to get a job that you hate, your going to struggle, your either going to fallow the masses do what your told for the rest of your pathetic life and die in the and for nothing…again sad being that young and having that type of mindset. But as i grew older i begin to understand things more, cutting away from being a puppet idea. I started to understand things more but i just didnt grasp them. skipping a few years here. There was time where everything did seem pointless, things happened that i thought i wasnt ment for this world having thoughts of just…ending it all… i thought what do i have to live for..back in 2012…on my birthday was the day that i thought i would end it all…. i couldnt take life the way it was going… all i could hear was the sound of demons in my head saying..do it.. go ahead.. just do it..end it now..i was very close.. but far away enough that no one would know i was gone…i dont know what saved me that day… i believe a sign of God taking my demons away…. i didnt hear them… i was no longer blinded by darkness… something was telling me to live on. keep going. make this life yours.. note i have had my struggles…not saying that i still do because everyone does, some worse then others, i started to see that life has more to live for. i wasnt a puppet controlled by someone. i was my own person. i could control my own destiny, i can shape my future,… I have met some great people along the way in this life. I started to see that life is so precious from mine to others. some of those people that i have met showed me that in everyone there is a greatness in souls. But some make mistakes that they wish they could take back. I know i have….there are things i wish i could go back in time and change..but i know i cant… There is someone close to my heart that i wish i could go back and fix everything, go back to how things were.. i live with that regret every day and hold onto it constantly carrying that weight on my shoulders…. because everyday i feel like i have failed them….even though they could tell me that i havent i will still have that guilt of failure on my shoulders until i make things right.. i know it takes time…but i hate thinking of the time…. i just would hold them and cry just saying im sorry for all the things iv done..but sorry isnt always enough…forgiveness isnt just a snap of the fingers… i just want them to know they have my heart…this person is the one that i would die for and i would want to be with for the rest of my life.. they are my always and forever…i will always love them no matter what even if they dont me i hope i can heal these wounds that i have made…iv never had someone like them who knows me… mind body and soul….just remeber….always and forever….forgive me…….TJA&CJA…<3 ….iv cut away my strings in this puppet show…you have become my reason for going every day…. I only wish for my destiny to be you.

One thought on “In this world…In this life”

  1. i agree with that and those words. i believe in you and just one day at a time and you know you have me and her to talk to. it all starts with communication and proving you are done with the puppet show. you know what mean

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