Never Enough

February 14, 2016

                I always dreamed of us spending this day together as a “thing.”

You would hold my hand and kiss my forehead. Really I always dreamed about you picking ME. For once I was yours. I didn’t have to worry about if I was finally good enough. I was this time. But somewhere along the way meth became all that was good enough in your eyes. I now became the girl that didn’t like it so that meant i had to go. Then you decided you could let me back in. But why? I gave you something to do. I gave you something that would never leave. I gave you somebody that was your friend. Why couldn’t you just be my friend back? Why couldn’t you do the things I did for you? All i wanted was time. A friend. Someone who cared. I still tell myself that you do care. You just cared more about Tiffany sticking that needle in your arm instead of smoking one more bowl with me. Then you cared more about Zodiac Whisperer. She gave you a needle and more dope and she let you sell. Where is the bad in that deal? You know what you didn’t care more about that weekend? ME. The girl who busted her ass at work to make tips to get US a half. A new pipe. And a bottle. But that’s where i fucked up. There would never be a US. So there i sat with the girl who put a needle in your arm sit next to me & say look away. & all i wanted was time with you. Well guess what came next? You were the one next to me putting a needle in your arm while all i could do is cry and beg “please no tre.” But my thoughts didn’t matter that time or any other time after that. Why couldn’t I matter? I just wanted to matter. You told me you loved me that night. & still 5 months later, i still wish you meant that. I could never tell what you actually meant. What did you mean when you had sex with the girl i introduced you to? The girl who i trusted. The girl who i trusted WITH YOU. What did you mean when you broke my heart every time you went behind my back and picked her?

Around that time i had lost everything. I had lost you. The most important thing. Our friendship. It had turned toxic, just like the dope we did everyday. You began to get more and more angry with me. I started to get a bigger attitude with you. Cause now i’ve seen you kiss amy and pick her over me. I have now seen you kick me out and get mad cause I still didn’t have enough dope for you. At this point, in your eyes, I somehow managed to become worst person you’d ever met. Maybe i was just too selfish for sticking around. Maybe i should of let you go before it got this bad. But how was i suppose to know? When you would give me one or two days in the week when I did matter. I got to go rock hunting with you, finally. Corra got kicked out before me & dope seemed to not be important.

I was wrong again. You had already gotten high somehow without me knowing, I couldnt know because that meant you would have to share.& you needed as much as you could get for your addiction. Too bad my addiction was you. I didn’t realize it could be so bad until it was too late.

I slowly started to  notice your mind games you would play with me. The constant accusations of me stealing from you. Why couldn’t i just be the girl who was actually true to you? Instead i was the girl who supported your addiction while you supported mine. I was the girl who was there when everyone else left. That girl who you thought just wanted dick was the girl who wanted appreciation, the girl that was jealous of the girls you sure did love spending more time with. Why should i have to be jealous of a 39 year old? Why did i have to be jealous of the girl i called my bestfriend because she started to get more attention from the boy i loved? I just wanted something I didn’t have to question all the time. Someone who was there when i was sick. Why couldn’t you be there for me one more time?

Now your the person i prayed i would never meet. Your the person who will hurt me over and over and over till im in tears again. Thinking again why am i still not good enough. Why cant’t i just be your first option one time? Your now the person who has hurt me so many times i dont you could do anything else to break my heart.

Here i am on Valentines day where i’d hope we could spend together and i would make you heart pancakes or something gay like that. Here i am in a new home because you ruined the last one for me. Thanks for saying sorry by the way. Here i am wanting to get more high so you wont matter for once. Here i am heart broken and hating someone who i never wanted to lose. Funny how shit changes huh?

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