yesterday and today and thoughts..

last night I got home after Sams

I got on my laptop and sat..

I was listening to music and singing and my dad threw something at my laptop and it made me so angry he started yelling at me telling me I needed to be quiet when I didn’t think I was being loud he was the one yelling like a mad man…

I love my father but I hate him..

you might think that oh that is nothing.. but he has hurt me before and treated me like crap he let his ex that he still talks to and helps get out of jail kick me out

and all kinds of stuff.. he just grr.

I try really hard to love him I try to be nice and do what he asks of me..

but I haven’t seen him in forever and right when I get there he is like I need you to do this and this… like no I came here to relax before I go to school.. I helped you I clwaned.. I fixed things.. by myself without your help while you sat on your ass and drank..

I don’t understand…

he cant be like lets go out to eat my treat ..

no

he cant be like lets spend some time together before I don’t see you forever..

no..

I even asked him

he said no

“I am busy”

the fuckkkkk

busy sitting on your ass and drinking..

im happy he is not like some fathers and that he is off the bad drugs..

but he is not who I want my father to be..

if I ever have my own kids or adopt kids( same thing)

I will not do that.

no matter if it seems hard.. I had my five babies(younger siblings) by myself.. pretty much

But my father was abused and stuff so he is mentally messed up

but grrr

I don’t want to be like that..

he has 10 kids including me

guess how many live with him

zeroooo

he is not capable and yet he kept having more

like dude you couldn’t take care of the first one.. shit you don’t even know where she is.

then you go and have four more

give two to their aunt (his sister) even if she is a good women the fuckk

then the other two you leave with their mother(me and my brother)

who is a perfectly fine women.. kinda

but she has no money she is on disability and has mental issues..

I mean who doesn’t … I bet everyone does.. but still..

why couldn’t you have been there we needed you and you let us down.

then you go and have five more with a girl who is 17 and already had two kids she abandoned..

you all sicken me

now those five are in foster care and you are ssaying “id never abandon my kids”, ” im going to get them back”, ” They are my kids the need to be with me” and “they are better with me” and blahhh

father NO THEY ARE NOT

YOU CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR THEM!!!!!!

maybe im a asshole for thinking that but still..

he has not taken care of any of the other ones.. he abandoned them all when they were babies.. like yeah im staying here but only to see my babies(siblings in foster care) and Sam ..

I don’t know I feel bad for him..

but I also hate him and love him

 I don’t know..

I probably shouldn’t think so poorly of him..

but he makes it really hard not to think badly about him..

but he is trying.. and he is off the drugs kinda..

and he has calmed his temper.. kinda..

but I feel like he would be mean to them.. and he would hurt them..

I don’t want them to go thu that.

I wish I could have them so bad..

i would love them so much..

i already do..

but i don’t think it would be possible..

i hope they find a good foster home all together..

they are in one now that seems pretty good..

i hope it is good and they stay.. or go back to my dad..

i just want them to be alright..

i don’t want them to have a hard life..

i hope they have a good life.. and i hope they are in mine..

 

 

 

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