12weeks sober . Life begins.
I promised myself that if I could reach 12 weeks sobriety, I had a gods honest chance to make it. I pass weekly alcohol tests with flying colors. I’m very proud of myself. With all of the nonsense going on, and still not have to pick up a drink, I can get through anything.
Today didn’t turn out so bad. I’m actually quite happy with life surprisingly. Today would have been an anniversary. I figured it would make me sad. At first it did. I had a nice coffee talk with someone today who opened my eyes. I took the conversation with a grain of salt at first because I mainly didn’t want to hear it. But then, like a smack in the face, everything finally made sense.. I realized what I should have seen a long time ago. All of the signs that I didn’t pick up on. How someone was so insecure with themselves that they were unstable; it was all an act, pretended to be ok when they weren’t. I figure there will be 1000’s of justifications or excuses for one thing or another because of sociopath/narcissism, but You figure you reach the point of wedding vows they would be able to talk to you instead of letting things they self create eat at them. Right?
I’m not to blame for the self destruction. I’m not responsible. It was there long before I was around. From sun up til sundown, I was all ears; Full attention. I may have drank beer, but I was a top husband that someone would kill for. If someone has a history of being emotionally/mentally unstable, how am I suppose to fix it? How am I to help someone who never wanted to be helped with in the first place and rather be afraid to be happy and create their own madness? What was I thinking? I saw the good, and I still do.
They need to separate reality/fantasy/make believe/ and what they create in their head. But I should have seen the bad and walked away. I was warned what I was getting into but I saw the good she had. My problem is I care too much. I know how to love, and what it takes to give someone every last shred of myself to them. Because that’s what love is! I never got any emotional support, unless their face from day one was hiding behind their phone while talking. I gave more love than I ever expected or wanted in return. When I say to their face that we never talk and they reply with “we talked once”, duh !?!? If that’s their attempt of communication after years together, nice job!
Today I realized THEY are the problem. Now they need to take responsibility, quit pointing fingers and accept their faults. I’m not a Saint, I’m surely not rendered white as snow don’t get me wrong, but if being faithful, devoted, honest, truthful, caring, supportive, loving and dedicated is a crime, then I’m guilty. Even when the “mole” entered the picture in December. I pretended to care and played her stupid little txt game because I knew what was up. I’m not stupid. I wasn’t trusting any of her friends contacting me. Acting all buddy buddy with me. I gave it right back. And I’m stupid enough to still sit here and say that I’m willing and we could grow and move forward from all of this.. Accept each other’s flaws, that’s normal.
The time apart has been hard, but I’ve grown so much. Maybe a break was what was just needed? But Im living proof of the “Phoenix rising from the ashes”. I have become successful. I’m smiling and making jokes. Everyone has been so supportive of my sobriety. I’m in love with my jobs. I have everything going for me. A better relationship with my son. Why waste the love and energy I have to offer on anything less than I deserve? A small vacation is coming in a week. I’m looking forward to it. I can finally experience life the way I want to. And I’m doing it all sober which makes everything that much better.
Things in my life will soon have worked themselves out. Just need to keep doing what I’m doing and be patient. I’m going to feel bad, but when it all comes full circle (and it will) I have to remind myself that they did it to themselves. They Made a fool of everyone around them. I will always care and be here, but I’m not letting myself get dragged down into their abyss anymore. But im open minded and I can honestly say that It’s “ok” for us to be happy together. Allow yourself for once .
“Now is the time to let God help us when our relationship depends and needs him the most”
“Ask and you shall receive”