It can never just be, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

I’ve been single for almost a month now, and the pain hasn’t really gotten any better. When I finally feel like I have grown from the experience, new information arises, and my healing takes a couple hundred steps back. Becoming “okay” with the fact that someone just doesn’t want to marry you anymore is hard enough as it is, but then you find out your ex-lover was cheating on you for about at least a month with one of your so called “friends”? I feel like the punching bag of my own life. 

I tried seeing his side, allowing him to just want to experience college without being attached to someone, but the truth of the matter is, he just wanted someone else that he had when I was absent. Cheating is the most terrible feeling, because it doesn’t make sense. I look at it in the way that if you don’t want to be with someone, why continue to be in the relationship and literally fuck around with others..? I will never understand his actions, shit I won’t even understand her actions either, but now it is time to fully move on and fully heel. I am not someone who deserves this, I gave everything to that relationship and it taught me to not invest so much in future relations. 

I sit here and I try to remember the advice I have given girls in the past when their once lovers would do things like this to them, but I am at a loss for words. I’m stuck in the middle of feeling worthless and feeling great, because I just want to know why my love wasn’t enough for someone like him. Who had never been loved like I loved him, but looking back at our relationship, he also didn’t love me like I deserved to be loved. He got lost in being comfortable, he got content with not putting effort in, and that just wasn’t enough. It hurts like hell. Man does it hurt like hell… But now, I can focus on me. Figure out who Kaitlyn is, and make him realize (hopefully eventually), that he lost someone who saw the light in his eyes when no one else saw anything.

Here’s to being cheated on, here’s to not feeling good enough, and here is to waking up in the morning & waking the fuck up to reality. Time to move forward.  

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