The days are getting closer to the mark of a day in the month where my hope gradually increases only to leave me, EVERY MONTH in disappointment.   I’m like this every month, I feel things, and I get symptoms and sign and then… nothing.  Then I get depressed and cry and question why.  But I do it every month, over and over.  As much as I try not to think about it the more I think about it.  People easily tell me; “Just don’t think about it and it’ll happen.”  I wish it was that easy, I wish I had an on and off button for my mind not to be able to think about it, because it would make my life easier.  God knows I try not to think or focused on it, but it’s hard. And if anyone knows a way not to think about it please let me know.

It’s been 8 years that passed from the last time I peed in a little tubular plastic device that has a plus and minus sign to tell you if you’re being blessed with a child.  8 years ago it was a plus sign then 6 weeks later the plus turned into minus and I lost my baby.  Since then we continue to try and try to conceive, I’ve undergo 3 laparoscopy due to endometriosis and fibroids, all the Doctors have told me everything is ok with my uterus and fallopian tube even with all the surgeries and yet its still, Nothing. I counted days, monitored what I needed to, do everything I was told I should do and yet every month it’s still ends in nothing.  I don’t get it anymore, everyone else can easily produce and get pregnant but for us, it seems to be IMPOSSIBLE.   We keep praying for it, been praying for it and possibly we’re not praying hard enough… I don’t know.  I really don’t know anymore, maybe I should just lose hope completely… for nothing else seems to work anymore. 

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