Can I tell you a little secret? It’s one that’s nagged at me for most of my life, eating a way slowly at my conscious, my soul, and my self esteem. Here it goes… I use to think I was evil. Seriously. I’m the girl with the bad vibe who your parents told you to stay clear of.
I most certainly don’t look evil. I’m very petite with a thin, angular face, and cat like eyes that change color. I have long slender arms with delicate, frail wrists. Physically, I don’t look strong nor intimidating. I will admit I’m one of those people who have facial expressions that always seem to range upon annoyance. Those who know me know you really can’t judge my thoughts by face. They don’t act in accord.
I most certainly don’t act evil although I must admit, I was a very rambunctious youth. I have a limitless amount of energy. I’m always moving and sometimes I just can’t seem to shut up. I have a huge heart. I always want to offer up good, sound advice or a positive solution. I love to learn about people, make friends, compliment every pleasing thing I see. I literally long to make other people happy and I expect nothing back in return.
That’s why in the past, I’ve had such a hard time with people. Something about me draws them close. Once I’m happy with this new found blossoming relationship something goes wrong. My new buddy pulls away, withdraws like I am a cursed leper and I’m left wondering “What did I do?” “What did I say?” It use to really hurt me deep, but now I’ve learned to just let it be. Move on, be myself, that’s all I can do.
I’ve never killed anyone. Very few times do I think I was a bully. I’m not violent. I try not to lie, nor gossip, nor cause drama. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. I can pick apart my strengths and my weaknesses. I never quite understood why people acted like I was a bad omen. I may never know all the reasons for it.
The truth is I’ve learned a great lesson. I have learned to rise above it and ignore it. I can be no more than my true self. Others are well within their personal rights to not like me even if it’s for no reason or one that makes no sense. I won’t push back with the coldness they’ve given me. I’ll keep a smile on my face and take stock of all that I am blessed with. I won’t waste my energy holding grudges. I’m not a resentful person. I am light and like light, I bounce.
For many years I thought I was cursed, born evil, forever damned. I tried not to let it hold me under because it was out of my realm of control. Then one day I had an overwhelming epiphany. Goodness is a choice. Evil is a choice. It’s not a condition that you are born with. You are evil when you actively choose to be morally corrupt. If I do not act in a vile manner how can I possibly be “simply” bad. I can not. I am not a victim of circumstance. I have free will.
So you see, I was wrong to let people’s misjudgements weigh so heavily on my soul. In the end their judgements can hold no candle to the love that is in my heart. In fact, I feel sorry for them. I give them my peace and love instead.