Longing to be Okay

Tonight I think I came to a realization. I like to pretend and convince myself that I’m okay. I know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s weird. It feels like nothing is wrong until little things trigger it. My mom said his name the other day and caught herself and apologized saying she didn’t mean to. She isn’t usually like that, and I don’t want people thinking they have to walk on egg shells around me. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay. 

I went on a date tonight. A real date. He picked me up, took me for dinner, paid, and drove me home. We’ve hung out 5 days in a row. He’s a really nice guy. His last relationship was rough as well, not quite like mine, but he says she was manipulative, hurtful, etc. But his ended 9 months ago, and only lasted 5 months, I believe. So, very different. But I thought maybe this was it. He was so many things I was looking for. But the feelings just aren’t there. It’s weird, because I desperately want to feel. I really really want to feel. But there wasn’t anything. Something was missing in him, I know it. I’m not sure if he is still searching for himself, or just doesn’t have much personality. I don’t know. Does it just seem like something is missing because it’s not my ex? It’s so hard because I wanted it to work. I wanted it to be right. He’s met my mom, she likes him. I’ve met his family and they like me. I really like them too. Why can’t it be right? I know he really likes me. Is it worth pretending? If I pretend enough will it make it right? I know that likely I’m not ready, I do know. I just want to be ready. I want to be at that point…

Maybe it’s just the loneliness speaking. I know I still have things to work through, I do know. But, I wanna be through it. But, maybe I don’t even know what it feels like to be whole anymore. Maybe I can’t even be whole again. Maybe brokenness has just become part of me. Maybe it’s just a factor of who I am. What a sad thought… Why does being whole seem so impossible and so far away? 

I know I don’t want to be back with my ex. I know that what he did is absolutely insane and he needs serious professional help. But, I can’t help but miss what we had. 

Oh man, here come the tears again… When will these stupid things stop? I am so sick of crying… 

I truly do miss what we had, even though the whole thing was a lie. I miss all the good things. The drives, the meals, the weekends, the cuddles, the smiles, the laughs, the friendship, the love. I miss it all. The good things, anyway. As always, there’s things I don’t miss. But there are things I really do miss. As much as I hate it, I miss you. Well, not quite. I miss the person I thought you were, I miss the fake you. I miss the person who was my best friend. I miss the person I’d share everything with. I miss the person I turned to first. I miss the person I shared my life with. It’s so sad that the person that I knew is gone, is dead. I know that your body is still alive and roaming, but the person I thought I knew is dead.

How can I miss someone who was so messed up and messed me up? How can I miss an entire year that was a lie? How can I miss a person who betrayed me and did nothing but lie, seriously and intricately and extremely lied for a whole year? I don’t know, but I do. 

Sometimes, I wish I knew the real you. Not the fake person you created, but the real person. I know you’re messed up, I know you’re likely beyond fixing. But I still wish I just knew. Dangerous? Likely. 

I just long for the day that I can say “Everything’s Alright” and truly mean it. I really do… I know 2 months isn’t long to heal and move beyond, but I just wanna be beyond. I wanna be in the place of fully alright. I know the day may never come, but I just want it to, and I want it to now. But at the same time, I wish more people saw my suffering. I truly wish they saw the deep pain that I face. I know that because I face it with such a strong face, most people have no idea. But how exactly do you fit “My boyfriend intricately faked cancer for a year” in a conversation? And even if I told them, they wouldn’t know what to say, they just get shocked and awkward. “Wow, that must be so hard for you.” Why yes, yes it is, but thanks for the reminder. 

I read a quote tonight that said “Letting go isn’t a one-time thing, it’s something you have to do every day, over and over again.” I have not read anything more true. I have to wake up every day and consciously make the decision to put it aside and go on with my life. I wish it were as simple as doing it once, but it’s a daily decision to try and move on. And, letting go is so hard. I’ve been trying for awhile now. It’s easier said than done. I’m better at suppressing and putting aside than I am actually letting go. I guess maybe because letting ago means fully accepting that it happened. It means coming to terms that it happened to me and that he is who he is, and no longer the fake person I loved. And maybe I’m not quite ready to accept that and let it go. I remember the day I found out, I bawled so hard. I hadn’t cried that hard in years. Maybe since my Grandma died, I’m not sure. It’s sad that he’s caused way more tears than smiles. And there were lots of smiles. And all over nothing. That’s the worst part, I think.

I truly wish I could wake up with amnesia and not remember any of this anymore. I’d be able to forget you ever existed, that this ever happened. I’d be able to forget all the memories, all the good times and the bad times. I’d be able to forget all the dreams, wishes and plans we had. I’d be able to forget all the suffering and the tears. I’d be able to forget that I’m not okay, that I’m not fine. I’d be able to be whole and fine. Wouldn’t that be lovely…

Well, there goes one more night that I spent crying, and here’s to tomorrow morning when I wake up and plaster a smile on my face, like nothing happened and that everything is okay.

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