Out the window

I sit and stare outside the window

Cars and people rushing to their destination

Trees that were so bare from the Winter frost now blossoming

And I’m in literal hell

Hell within my mind, my body, and what feels like my soul

I sit across from him…

The only person I have ever genuinely loved 

I’ve never admitted it to him because I’ve only recently realized it

I take a sip of my beer hoping that it will ease my pain but it doesn’t

I want to become numb, I want to feel nothing in this moment 

I can’t stop the words that begin to fly out of my mouth

I continually try to push him away because he doesn’t fit into a box

He doesn’t fit anything I’ve ever experienced and that alone scares me

Words never come out right now, I ask questions to see how he feels

Then when asked it seems like I just interrogated him or manipulated him

My heart is slowly breaking with every word I say

I suffer daily holding on through immense torture because of my love for him

There’s still that part of me that wants nothing more but to push him away

What I feel, what he makes me feel… it’s foreign

I glance out the window some more as I know the more I say the worse it will get

If only he knew the real me, the me before all of this

He says he loves it when I smile because my eyes do too 

All I did was laugh and smile before all this happened and now I hardly do

This suffering is almost too extreme at this point

I continue to keep pushing him, it’s as if I want to push him away so I can let go

I know deep inside that’s the last thing I want

The last thing I want is him out of my life

He sits there taking everything in as my mind goes a million miles a minute

If only he knew how hard it is for me to feel this way about another person

A daunting task it would be for me to convey this to him ever

It would make no sense to him anyways because only days ago I was with someone else

And it was the first time I realized he’s the only person I’ve ever genuinely loved

I had to get drunk to try to convince myself to hookup with someone else

In the past this would’ve worked and I would’ve succeeded

I couldn’t this time, every single touch, kiss with the other person made me sick

The fleeting idea that this was something I wanted was just that…an idea

I stare out the window some more as I think about this, it replays in my mind

My stomach turns as I begin to remember

The feeling of kissing or touching someone else the first time in my life it felt wrong

It felt so absolutely wrong that I felt this horror within me to leave, to exit

And I did and the closer I got to him the more I couldn’t stop talking about him

It was as if I had a million dollars waiting for me at home 

But he’s priceless

Sometimes I stare into his eyes, they’re so beautiful and remind me of Fall

Colors of brown, yellow, and hazel…with walls so high I could never knock them down

There is no seeing into his soul, except for when we have sex

Something I feel he’s involuntarily doing to keep me happy

He knows it’s one of the only things to make all this torture stop

It’s not the only thing….

When he kisses me, the feeling of his lips against mine..it stops time

When he holds me I feel more secure than I have ever felt… I feel safe

And when we have sex I allow myself to let every guard and wall I’ve ever had down

It’s when I’m my most vulnerable

He’s the first person I’ve been with that I didn’t have to numb myself before it 

That I didn’t have to take that shot, that line of coke, that hit of ecstasy

I’ve never let anyone in like I have him, he has my entire heart

Yet I sit here and seek to destroy every bit of it like it’s a war

It’s a war within myself because I’m scared to feel 

For once in my life I have no option but to feel everything

Some of these things I’ve never felt in my entire life

I don’t understand how I can want to protect him yet push him away

I want to love him but he won’t let me, yet I still try

Most would’ve given up on both ends by now

Some unstoppable force keeps us glued together 

I sit and stare out the window

And I try to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes

I know this is a losing battle for me eventually

I know that this is all temporary, all of it.

 

 

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