I’ve meant to write for a long time now, always thinking about buying a little book to keep with me so I can writ down the chaos that is my mind. Today I’m writing because I’m not in the best of spirits, I have thought about things that I haven’t thought about in a long time. I have a monster inside of me that claws and gnashes it’s fangs; sometimes, just sometimes I wish I could feed it. Give it the thing it desires most, the one thing the Monster always lusts after. Blood. My blood.
Many years a girl there was a time when I didn’t know who I was, but I knew that I didn’t handle disappointing people very much. It caused me such emotional turmoil that I didn’t know how to process it. I don’t do well with my own emotions, or the emotions of others for that matter, so I turned my internal pain into a pain I knew how to handle. External pain. It’s how I processed the things going on inside my head that confused me. It’s how I taught myself to stop doing behaviors that would disappoint those around me or at least punish myself for those behaviors I enjoyed very much.
As I grew I began to learn how to handle my internal pain, mostly I would put it in a box and pretend that it doesn’t exist. I found things in life that made the pain not so bad. I got married to a wonderful man who treats me as his queen, I found a career that I absolutely love and cannot get enough of it, and above all I have been happy with myself and those around me for a long time now. I knew it was all too good to be true. I never thought the other shoe would drop or that when it would I would be able to step over the problem letting nothing slow me down.
The thing with the shoe dropping is that when it is sudden, all at once, it’s easy for me to find a solution. I find my way around the obstacle like it never even crossed my path but this shoe is a shoe of it’s own. It was lowered very slowly, bit by bit filling my vision of the path that lay ahead of me, not creating much notice other than it always just brushing my mind taunting me with it’s presence. Once the shoe blocked my path, the shock it gave my system was so great that I couldn’t process it once again which is what woke the monster once again. The menacing grin stretching across its face as it knew that I am once again in its grip.
It would be so easy to give in, to process my pain the one true way I know how. It’s winter time so no one would ask why my sleeves are always long and sine I’m not super close to anyone I won’t have people brushing against the Monster’s stash, its sweet tool that gives it the necessary power. Its drug. It would be easy to draw those lines my skin knew so long ago. To open old scars and let the river flow, but that’s not who I am now. I don’t know the meaning of the easy route these days. I am a fighter, a true believe in standing up for what you know is right. The Monster will not win, at least not today.