So I started writing on this site pretty soon after it was created–maybe in early 2013, around January, when there were only a few hundred or maybe a few thousand people on the site. I wrote, avidly, for a few months, before I got bored with the concept and drifted away, before coming back again after another couple of months, only to delete my first journal in a fit of depression and loneliness because most of the old writers had gone.
Pink Rose, the first person I “met” on Goodnight, had deleted her journal sometime when I was away, and LunnyLove (I think it was spelled like that), another writer, had stopped writing, as well. California Dream, the creator of the site, was still here, of course–always here–but it felt lonely and pointless to write things on here when I didn’t “know” anyone else. So I deleted my journal.
I regret doing that now. I regret not having anything from myself as I was then–thirteen years old, immature, and suffering from extreme insecurity in a school with barely a thousand people, who all whispered and pointed and stared when I walked around the school. I poured everything I had into that journal, into those “pages”, and then I just wiped them all clean. I think, when I was deleting the account, I was afraid of myself, afraid of the things I’d said when I was younger, because they seemed so needy and young, and I hated the fact that I had once been like that.
Obviously, I could have just set all of the journals to private and kept the account, but I wanted to be free of it all. Just forget that I had ever written anything here or met anyone on this site.
So I let go of the site, and I forgot all about it until 2014, when I was living in a new city and had too much time on my hands not to write. I had been writing–I’m always writing–in a paper journal, but it felt different. It wasn’t as smooth or easy, because when you’re writing on a computer, you can write as much as you want with no strain. And somehow, I remembered this site.
So I came back, mostly, and I’ve disappeared a few times, for weeks, for months, but I’ve come back, because this site means a lot to me, and it’s seen me through my weakest moments. So I’m here.
But I still miss the people who were once here, too.
There have been so many people on Goodnight. 82,000+ people on this website, and a great deal of them have already abandoned their journals, or simply don’t write any public entries anymore. I miss the people who have left.
There was Pink Rose, who I mentioned before. She was learning the guitar, and I remember she once had a project where she had to name different types of candies, or something.
There was LunnyLove. She was a big Potterhead, and she had a Golden named Grace. She also had an iPad that she accidentally smashed.
There was SleepTight. I miss her journals, miss reading about her life; she was so cheery and so kind. She was learning German.
There was Twigs. Twigs, I miss quite a lot…I go through these mood swings a lot, but I commented on her journal once, saying something along the lines of “As long as you’re still living, breathing and existing here on earth, you will find that life gets better.” She–at least, I think it was her–thanked me, for keeping her chin up, and I’m glad that I was able to help her (or someone else) a little. She wrote slam poetry.
There was TryingToStayAnonymous (later TTSA) from the UK. He wrote these super long, extravagantly detailed entries about his days at the Royal Ballet School, and he deleted his first journal but came back under the name TTSA…only to disappear again, for some unknown reason. I miss reading his entries, too, because they were so entertaining and his life as a dancer was so different from mine.
There was Anniecat. I wrote emails to her for a while in 2015–but then suddenly we lost contact. She doesn’t write anymore. She was much older than me, but she gave me a lot of advice and comfort.
There was littlebirdie, from Australia. She stopped writing, and I wonder how she is now, because she was going through a lot of stuff in her life, too.
There have been so many other people on this website, so many different souls, all going through different things and just struggling to define themselves and their lives. I miss them. Is it strange, that I miss people I don’t know? In a way, you know, they defined me and how I think of other people. I miss the part that they played in my life, in the hours I’ve spent writing and reading journals.
Of course, some people have stayed, and there are still kind people here. Christoper Forbes MacNeill? He’s been here for the longest time, faithfully posting…Lee Paysour? He writes every day. Ashen writes pretty much every day, too. firelily told me that there was nothing wrong with liking Harry Potter as a sixteen-year-old. brittanymichelle told me I have a “real talent”, which is more encouragement than I have ever gotten from most of the people I have known. savedbygrace said I was a good writer, which made my heart blossom into a million flowers–thank you, brittany and savedbygrace, for your comments. California Dream is always here, he just doesn’t write all the time. And of course, some people may still “be here”, just writing private journals instead of public ones.
I’ve seen so many stories, so many people just here, in this tiny little corner of the internet.
And that’s all I wanted to talk about today. Just the people I’ve known, the journals I’ve read. I am grateful for this website and what it offers. It doesn’t have the liveliest community, and so many journals go unread and uncommented on, but it’s still helped me gain a different perspective on different people and their lives.